Out of the Darkness
by mcdreamer100
Summary: New Summary! Meredith disappeared and left Derek a dark, broken man. Everyone had assumed Meredith had left to escape her problems. Did Meredith really make the decision to leave? Or did something else happen that was out of everyones control? MERDER
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I don't own Greys Anatomy, I know, shocker.**

**A/N: So this is my first of this type of thing. Fan fic, I mean. It's just been sitting in my head and I had to get it out. With that in mind please be kind! But also please be honest. I REALLY want to know what you think, so if you wouldn't mind, review. Oh and I know you might be a bit confused, but just be patient and I promise you'll know more by next chapter. So thankyou and enjoy. (Flashbacks are in italics) Oh ya and this goes along with everything that happend up until prom. The beginning jumps 5 years from prom.**

He leaned his tired body against the sink in front of him and tore off his navy blue scrub cap, tossing it in the hospital laundry bin that sat to the side of the room. He stretched the sore muscles in his back and started the warm water. He watched the bubbles multiply as he scrubbed the strong disinfectant soap across his hands. His life had become a dull habit. Nothing held any pleasure for him anymore. He couldn't remember the last time he'd smiled or laughed. He wasn't sure if he even knew how to anymore. His soul was wrecked, his heart broken. He didn't know how to feel emotions anymore. He walked around Seattle Grace with a scowl on his face, one he knew he perfected. He kept his expression and body language angry and cold. No one wanted to talk to the miserable doctor. It was easier this way. He didn't have to deal with the pity in the stares of those who passed him in the halls. He didn't have to cope with endless questions and forced conversations with those acting concerned. He felt content to sulk in his own solitude.

"Excuse me, Dr. Sheperd?" a gray haired nurse stuck her head in the room and interrupted his quiet thoughts.

"Umph?" was his incoherent reply. He didn't bother looking up from the tedious task of rinsing off the suds that danced across his hands and arms.

"Dr. Perose needs a consult in 38B and Dr. Burke asked if you'd stop by his office when you have a moment." The nurse answered quickly then ducked out of the room before the grouchy doctor could think of something angry to bark at her about. It was common routine and the nurses, even the other doctors, had stopped taking it personally long ago and had learned ways to deal with his unpredictable temper.

Derek finished washing and roughly tore off a length of paper towels, drying his hands and tossing the damp wad of paper towards the waste basket, not caring that he missed.

He had finished all his work he had to do for the day, the surgeries, the consults. He eyed the growing pile of scattered papers on his desk and momentarily considered straightening things up. The idea was dismissed from his thoughts just as fast as it had entered, deciding he'd have one of the irritating interns do it the next day. He slumped down into his oversized black chair, the soft, cool leather a welcomed sensation on his exhausted body. _When had been the last time he'd slept?_ He couldn't remember. It definitely wasn't yesterday, maybe the day before. He didn't mind. He didn't like sleep anymore. It was when he slept that memories haunted him. He shook his head and ran one hand threw his unkempt dark curls. He was noticing more and more grays, and had long ago stopped plucking them. He knew he really should head over to Burkes office to not miss him before he left for the day, but for some reason he couldn't muster up the strength. He knew Burke meant well, after all he was his boss now since Richard Webber had stepped down as Chief and handed the reigns over to Burke a little over 4 years ago. Burke could have fired him on more than one occasion. Actually Burke _should_ have fired him. But he hadn't. He'd decided to be a friend to Derek as he had spiraled further and further out of control in his bleak days. He had been there for Derek when he had felt he had no one left in the world. He'd literally been a shoulder to cry on and had been there to pick him up off of his arse each time he'd fallen. Burke was constantly inviting Derek over for dinner with him and Cristina and to join the close knit working family for a drink at Joe's. He'd gone a few times. But found it easier these days to avoid alcohol altogether. It was too easy to be seduced by the numbing effect he'd feel after one too many drinks.

The empty silence of his office was pierced with a double chirp from his cell phone that sat in his lab coat, indicating the battery was almost dead. He yanked open the top drawer of his large mahogany desk and scrambled around for his charger. He found it near the back and tugged it out. He was just about to slam the wooden drawer back shut when a small business card caught his eye. He slowly reached in and took the little card out and laid it on an empty spot of his desk. Derek let his strong fingers run across the letters that were raised in gold.

**BILL HENRY**

**PRIVATE DETECTIVE**

**808-566-3344**

Derek had forgotten all about this card that had been thrown angrily into the back of his junk drawer years ago. He leaned back in his chair and closed his eyes. The thoughts of the night Addison had given him this card came rushing into his head.

_Addison quickly parked her silver BMW into a small parking space and jumped out of her car. She was furious. She crossed the short distance to the entrance surprisingly fast for someone wearing Jimmy Choo heels, but paid no attention to the shocked spectators hopping out of her way. She flung the door open and quickly scanned the place for him. The divorce had been official for over a year now, and yet somehow she was still being called to come pick up his drunken arse. At first she had felt sorry for Derek. He was so sad and depressed, like a little boy. Then somewhere along the line it had changed to anger and hate. He was a completely different man then the one she'd married years ago._

_She spotted Joe and briskly walked up to him._

"_Where is he?" she asked annoyed._

"_I'm sorry Addison, he wouldn't get in the cab I called for him, and then he started making a scene, throwing things, yelling. I shoulda called the police but I know what that would do to his career…" Joe explained as he wiped a small empty table._

_Before Addison could ask again where he was they both heard a loud drunken man come from the bathroom._

"_Choose _me_, she said! Love _me_, she said!" Derek wobbled out from the back and was yelling, to no one in particular. "How about that?! I choose her and she left! Left! Left me! _I_ am Doctor McDreamy!!" He decided to yell this last part at a young man sitting with some friends at the bar, Derek's face inches from the scared kid. For some reason the young man's silence only infuriated Derek's blind rage all the more and he grabbed the closest glass he could find and hurled it across the bar. It shattered into tiny pieces causing the onlookers to hunch down in their seats._

_Addison couldn't believe her eyes. What had happened to this man she had once loved, once fought for?_

_She crossed the room and tried to get Derek's attention but he was too busy screaming and ranting on about how he deserved better than that, that it was her loss that she had left such a good looking man._

"_Derek Micheal Sheperd!" Addison finally yelled, not wanting to draw attention to herself but knowing this had gone on long enough._

_Derek finally looked at her and realization came flooding into his dark, blood shot eyes. He slumped down to the grown and started crying, putting his hands over his face that he hadn't shaved in months. She leaned over him and let him sob for a moment._

"_Derek, look at yourself. This is insane. What are you doing? She's gone Derek. Get over it. _Meredith left_." She said the last words slowly letting them sink in._

"_But… she can't… I … love her. Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, what did I do? What did I do!" He now fell completely over and was lying on his side on the floor._

_Addison hated that everyone was watching this spectacle. She reached into one of her pockets and pulled out a business card. It was white with gold writing on one side. "I didn't know if I should suggest this or not, but it looks like maybe it's time." She handed him the card and Derek took it from her with shaky hands and looked up at her confused._

"_He's a private detective Derek. If you really think you can't live without Meredith, call him. You haven't been able to find out where she went, and neither can Richard. So quit feeling sorry for yourself, and do something about it!" With that she straitened up and fixed the wrinkles in her dress. She turned towards Joe, "Call another cab, he won't put up a fight this time." With that she turned on her heal and strutted out._

_Derek had taken some time off after that. He took his time to contemplate everything that had happened. He really did love Meredith, so much that he ached down to his very core. But she had left. Without so much as more than a few quick sentences on a piece of paper. "_I need some space, to clear my head around everything that has happened. If we are meant to be Derek, I'll be back."_ But she hadn't come back. She had disappeared into thin air, without a word to neither him or any of her so called friends._

It was then that he'd decided that he was not going to hire anyone to help him find her. If she didn't want to be found then he wouldn't look. It was also then that he had made the decision to quit feeling sorry for himself. He was going to pull his act together and be the brilliant surgeon everyone told him he was. He determined to put Meredith in his past and move on. It was the last time anyone ever heard him speak her name. And if you asked any of his friends, it was the last time anyone saw any life in Derek's soul.

_GAGAGAGAGAGAG-_mean while, miles away_-AGAGAGAGAGAGA_

The fragile woman sat abruptly up in her small cot that was supposed to be a bed. Her heart was racing and skin glowed with perspiration. Her dirty blond hair stuck to the side of her head as she tried to remember what had woke her. She rubbed her eyes and tried to look around the dark room. It was lined with cots on both sides of her, each one occupied with a sleeping form. She laid her head back down on her pillow and tried to recall her dream. It wasn't too hard. It was the same one she'd had for the past 5 years. She felt a shiver run down her body as she remembered the panic she'd felt. She was swimming, in dark cold water. She didn't know where she was or where she was heading but knew she had to keep swimming. Soon exhaustion took over and she felt the water start pulling her down, swallowing her tiny figure. It was then that she'd wake up each time in pure terror. She wondered what the dream meant. Was it a memory from something long ago? Was it only a metaphor of her life now? Her mind swimming in darkness, trying to reach a light that she knew was somewhere, if she could only find it. The woman shifted uncomfortably on her tiny cot and faced the small form of the young girl sleeping next to her. If only she could remember. The answers were there somewhere in her mind, she could feel it. She just couldn't reach it. She felt that if she were to pound her head against a wall enough times it would jar the memories free. But she unfortunately had tried that and painfully learned it didn't work. She reached out her thin arm and ran a hand through her daughters dark curls. They were all either one of them had in this world. The woman wondered why. Surely she had a family. Surely someone had loved her and was searching for her. For them. She had been wandering around for 5 years in the dark and had a sinking feeling that she would spend the rest of her life like this, in a cold, dark sea of unanswered questions.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Thankyou, thankyou, thankyou, for the reviews. They made me even more eager to get this next chapter posted. I promise not to drag out this beginning too long, mer and der can only stay apart for so long, but I just have to get everything explained and set up. Thanks again and please continue to review and let me know what works and what doesn't. **

**(see chapter 1 for disclaimer)**

Derek had sat for a long time in his dark, quiet office after finding the long forgotten business card. He had almost thrown it in the waste basket that hid under his desk, but something had stopped him. So instead he placed it in the pocket of his lab coat. His pager had interrupted any further thoughts of what the card might mean, and he had happily hustled out of his office and down the hall toward OR 1. He was hoping it was a long complicated surgery. Just the thing to get his mind off of everything he wasn't thinking about anymore.

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The mysterious woman squinted her eyes at the bright lights that hummed overhead. It was time to start another dreary day. Everything had become a routine since she and her daughter and came to this big city a few months earlier. Life had become an uphill struggle. Not that it hadn't been before. She honestly didn't know. She couldn't remember more than a few years back. Maybe her life had always been like this. Hard, sad, and lonely. The only thing that sparked joy in her heart was her daughter, Ohanna, named by one of the Armenian Nuns at the shelter she had been brought to after being found off the Southwest shore of Canada. No one knew how she had got there, but fortunately she had been found by a fisherman when she had, because she was near hypothermia and was on the edge of death. The Nuns had nursed her back to health only to find she had severe amnesia and was 3 months pregnant. None of the doctors or nurses there could believe she hadn't lost her baby in the horrible ordeal, and when the puzzling woman had given birth 6 months later, it felt right when they had suggested she name her baby Ohanna, which meant Gods gracious gift. She now referred to her daughter as Hanna and did indeed believe she was a gift. She looked into her 4 year olds bright eyes and wondered, like she did everyday, who her father was. She knew without a doubt she must have gotten her thick dark curls and light blue eyes from him. They definitely didn't mirror her own. She looked wise beyond her years when she tilted her head to the side to question her mother about whatever it was the 4 year old would find puzzling at the moment. She was so bright and sharp. It was in this little beings intelligence that her mother found the power to continue her search for answers. She knew something incredible had created this tiny person and had vowed to find out just what. That had been the deciding factor in her decision to leave the comfortable sanctuary of kind nuns that had cared for her and Hanna for over 3 years. She wasn't finding answers in the small town she had washed up in and after talking to some of the doctors there that had become her friends, she made up her mind she needed to come to the States, to a big city with fancy hospitals and smart doctors. Doctors who specialized in the brain.

She was getting frustrated though. She had tried to do what petty research she could with the little resources she had. She had bounced from city to city trying to learn all she could from medical books and journals she found in libraries. Even that was more difficult than expected. To all those looking in she was a homeless person and most steered clear of her. Her presence inside a library made everyone uncomfortable so she had learned to go early in the morning when they were least busy. Even then she knew her time was limited and it was only a matter of moments before she'd be asked to leave. She found the medical journals and anatomy books rather easy to read and understand, and had wondered why. She had concluded from her various studies that the top Neurosurgeon called Seattle home and worked at one of the hospitals there. So she and Hanna had picked up what few belongings they had and had traveled here. Seattle Washington. Now it was just a matter of time before she would be able to find this Doctor and all the promise he held.

She gathered their modest belongings and held her hand out for Hanna to grab. They wound in and out of other homeless mothers and their children, headed for the front door. She had found this women and children shelter her first night in Seattle. It was located in a basement of a large Catholic church on Main Street. It didn't seem like much to strangers passing by, but to her daughter and her, and about 65 others in the same situation, they couldn't dream for more. It held promise of a free warm dinner and a dry bed to sleep in.

She hurried Hanna out the door and found that it was drizzling outside. She reached into her well worn bag and pulled out 2 ponchos she had received from a friendly volunteer her first night at the church. She secured Hanna's first then pulled her own over her clothes. She had noticed that a lot of people cursed the rain and complained of the non stop down poor. She found it odd that it didn't really bother her; she would have never picked herself as one for liking the rain but decided maybe she had in the part of her life she couldn't remember. Either that or she had lived somewhere like this where it had continuously rained. Ponchos in place, she and Hanna hurried on with their morning routine. She had found a free daycare where she was able to drop Hanna a few hours at a time while she looked for work. It was a program the government offered for homeless parents trying to get back on their feet. She hated leaving Hanna with every bit of her soul, but found it was the only way to work odd jobs here and there to earn a bit of money. At least the center was safe and she was only gone for a few hours at a time. Besides she needed to earn all the money she could if she even dreamed of meeting with the top Neurosurgeon in the country. So she pressed on, determined to continue on this journey they had started, curious to see what the day held for her and her daughter.

GAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGA

"You need anything else Dr. Sheperd?" Isobel Stevens asked the attending before hurrying out of the room. She felt sorry for the man. Meredith had burned him and burned him bad. She had hurt them all when she left so suddenly but none more then poor Derek. Everyone had dealt with it in their own way. Izzie had baked, George sulked, Cristina was angry and bitter, okay angrier and bitterer than her usual. Alex pretended he didn't care either way but Izzie knew him better than the others and knew he had been hurt just as much. Derek turned to drinking. He had become so depressed and angry. Those were dark and scary days she didn't like to remember. Eventually something had snapped him out of it and the anger was gone. Now his eyes were bottomless pools of hurt and despair. He drug himself through the days not saying much to anyone. At first, when Meredith had left, they had all blamed him for everything. For playing with her emotions and breaking her. Blame soon faded away into pity and a silent truce had spread across the group. They tried to be his friend and talk to him but he had shut out the world. Not even his ex-wife, and new husband, the man who had once been his best friend, could reach him. But it didn't stop them from trying. They also were smart enough to know he had his good days and bad ones, and _this_, Izzie thought to herself, as she hurried down the hall, out of his war path, was definitely one of the bad ones.

Derek kept his focus on the images on the screen that blinked before him. He only half acknowledged Izzie as she had hurried away. He wasn't having a good day and he knew she understood and wouldn't take it personally. They never did.

Those around him assumed his deliberate isolation came from his need to think of _her. _To remember_ her_. Those assumptions couldn't have been further from the truth. The reality of it was he didn't let himself think of_ her. _He couldn't. That sent him spiraling into a sea of darkness, gloom and despair. He had been there once already and didn't plan on ever returning. That's why he found it odd that his attention kept turning towards the small business card that sat isolated in his lab coat pocket. He quickly glanced around the room to assure he was alone and then slowly took the card out, as he had done repeatedly that morning. This time he held it in one hand and with his other hand reached for his phone.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Thanks again for the reviews. They always make my day. I hope this chapter doesn't drag, I just needed to explain how it was she was saving what little money she could and needed to put her in some kind of "medical situations" to help set up whats to come. Please review and I promise Chapter 4 to be put up sometime this evening!**

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The nameless woman shifted her heavy bag uncomfortably to her other shoulder. She hated this part. She took a few steps forward and silently counted the number of people who stood before her in the long line. After dropping off Hanna on the 3rd floor of the City building, she found her way back down and hopped in line at the temporary employment office. It was here were she could be assigned to one of the numerous mundane jobs that waited to be filled each day. Most took place in the very building she stood and none were exciting or fascinating. The majority were custodial tasks, or for the handful of applicants who could read and had somewhat of an education, they were assigned to paperwork. Nothing stimulating, just filing, sorting, stapling, stuffing envelopes, that sort of tedious work.

The line moved again and it wasn't long before it was her turn. She stepped up to the plump, bald headed man and waited for the drill.

"Name?" he asked. She found it funny how one word, one small innocent question, evoked so many feelings inside her. Sometimes she felt like shouting out _I don't know! You tell me, what_ is_ my name! _But she didn't instead she coolly ran a hand through her hair and answered,

"Mary. Mary Smith." It was easier to just pretend. Then there weren't so many questions, so many intrusive stares. Mary was what the nuns had decided to call her back in Canada. It had started out as a joke at first but it had stuck. So Mary was what she went by and what she answered to. But inside, she knew, Mary was _not_ her name.

"Oh, right," the expressionless man brought her back from her thoughts. "You have been requested today. Go find Alice Jenkins. 2nd floor, take a left 3 doors down on your right. Next!" he barked before she had time to move away, causing her to jump a little.

She felt relieved. She had worked for Alice a couple weeks back and had found it to be a pleasurable reprieve from some of the other things she had been forced to do. Alice was one of the head directors at the free medical clinic the large city building offered, and last time she had been assigned the duty of writing out lab orders and organizing medical charts. Alice had told her she didn't usually assign temps to that sort of thing but a rather large number of employees had called in sick do to a flu epidemic and so she had no choice. Alice had been amazed with how quick the new temp had caught on. She'd finished her chore in half the time it usually took others and had inquired for more things to do. Alice had decided to take a chance and assigned some more complicated responsibilities, which the mystifying woman had once again tackled with ease.

This had sparked a bit of suspicion in Alice and she had inquired more into the personal life of the secretive girl. But the girl, who went by Mary, knew better and had side stepped most questions being unusually vague.

She had learned early on that one careless question could land her in a dirty bed at the county hospital with Psychiatric Doctors poking and prodding her. One of those times she'd landed there she'd requested, as politely as possible, to be sent to a _real _hospital, with _real_ Neurologist's. She was laughed at and rudely told that without any health insurance and especially without a steady job the closest she would ever get to those kind of hospitals and doctors, was digging through their dumpsters in the back. Each time she'd been put in the sorry excuse for a hospital, Hanna had been taken by Social Services and had been scared to death thinking her mommy had been taken away forever. She quickly learned that it was best to keep her secret to herself and would find another way to get to the kind of doctor who could actually help her.

Before entering the small office where most medical records and forms were stored, she took a breath and tried to settle the butterflies in her stomach. She did her best to smooth down her hair and straitened out the wrinkles in her casual clothes. Everything she wore she had claimed out of a box overflowing with used clothing, donated by someone to the church charity. It wasn't much, but they were unsoiled and at least her size. She knew she wasn't much to look at. Her dark blond hair was longer then she would have liked but she didn't even pretend to know the luxury of a hair cut. She knew her eyes were rimmed with red and she couldn't hide the dark circles that she felt were a result of always being in a state of confusion. She had a small frame, and since food was hard to find sometimes, she gave most, if not all, to her growing daughter and as a result was several pounds underweight. But at least she was clean. She did her best each night to wash herself and Hanna in the small sink in the church's bathroom with small bottles of shampoo and tiny pieces of soap she collected when she could. She knew she couldn't do much with their meager means, but it was one thing she took pride in, their hygiene.

She cleared her throat and opened the door only to be greeted immediately by Alice Jenkins.

"Oh great! You're here! You wouldn't believe how backed up I am with paper work. We've had a lot of doctor changes recently and I have so much to change on all these charts…" she stopped and gestured with her arms towards the long bookshelves, groaning under the weight of thick medical charts that lined the back wall. "I hope you don't mind," she went on, "I've requested you for the next few weeks. It's going to take a lot of work from us both but I was so impressed with your skills last time that I honestly only trusted you for such an undertaking." She stopped again and this time waited for the stunned girl's reaction.

"Um, ya, right, of course. No problem. Let's get started." She stammered back, surprised at the confidence this kind woman had for her. It was a new feeling and it felt good. She tossed her bag under a desk, rolled up her sleeves and followed Alice to the back, grateful that she now had something steady for the next few weeks. If things kept going like this she'd have enough money in no time to make an appointment at the renowned Seattle Grace.

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The doorbell rang, echoing through the spacious rooms and halls of the old solid house. Izzie glanced up puzzled at who the visitor might be. It was a late Sunday morning and she, along with Alex, George, and Callie were enjoying a quiet morning at home. Izzie was making muffins in the kitchen, Alex sitting on a bar stool at the counter watching his beautiful girlfriend bake. George and Callie sat in the living room cuddling on the couch watching a program on TV. They had invited Preston and Cristina over for lunch, but didn't expect them for a few hours yet. Izzie gave Alex a curious glance but he just shrugged and looked back down to the Seattle Times paper he'd just noticed sitting on the counter. A few seconds later they heard George's socks shuffle across the hard wood floor as he rushed to open the door.

He flung the door open to reveal a tall thin man, probably somewhere in his early 50's, starched khaki pants, button up shirt covered by a tan dress coat. His reddish brown hair was starting to thin and a few wrinkles had settled next to both eyes.

George had never seen this man in his life and was quickly joined by the other 3 occupants of the house who were just as curious as himself.

"Um, can I help you?" George asked furrowing his brows together at the mysterious visitor.

"I'm Detective Henry." He reached in his front coat pocket and pulled out his identification badge and flashed it towards the collected group of friends. "I'd like to ask you some questions about Meredith Grey."


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: I promised another chapter today and here it is! Thank you all again for the reviews and please keep them coming! I promise the Derek/Meredith "reunion" is coming soon, very soon, so don't give up!**

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Izzie, Alex, George, and Callie sat uncomfortably in the living room. George and Callie had taken the green plush couch leaving Izzie and Alex to share the matching loveseat. Their intruder, Detective Henry, didn't take the seat they offered in the corner. Instead he paced before the group, hands behind his back, a pondering look on his worn face.

"So let me see if I got this straight. This house, that all 4 of you occupy, belonged to Meredith's mother, Ellis Grey, until she passed away last fall leaving _this_," he gestured to the house they currently sat in, "and her small fortune to her only daughter, Meredith." They all nodded silently back at the disturbed detective. "But to your knowledge," he went on, " she's never met with the attorney to sign papers to finalize the transfer of property, and she hasn't showed up at the bank to claim her…" he glanced down at a small notebook where he kept his notes, "…2.3 _million_ dollars."

He stopped pacing for a moment and rubbed his chin. Things just weren't adding up. Ever since he'd gotten the call from the doctor to look into possibly locating this Meredith Grey, things hadn't made sense. He turned back to the 4 pairs of eyes that were watching him intently. He made eye contact with each one of them before returning to his pacing. They were telling the truth. That he knew with out any hesitation. He had been in this line of work for almost 30 years now, first with the Seattle PD, then breaking off to begin his private practice almost 10 years ago. He was good at reading people, and these people sitting in front of him were very easy to read. It wasn't hard to see the pain and sadness they felt. They all felt abandoned by one of their family members. He could also see a trace of anger in their eyes. The way she left had been cruel, half a note, no call or letter after that. She had just disappeared into thin air. _That_ was what was making the detective uncomfortable.

After a few awkward moments, the silence was broken once again by the detective, "Did she leave any belongings behind? Any papers or books? What about her farewell note everyone has talked about, did you happen to keep it?" He knew it was a long shot, but that's how some of the harder cases were solved. Long shots.

The 4 of them exchanged glances and no one spoke. Each of them were dealing with conflicting emotions. They hadn't asked who had hired the detective. They didn't need to, they all knew there was only one man who could, all these years later, still be haunted by Meredith's sudden goodbye.

George silently decided that an investigation couldn't hurt. He had long since forgiven Meredith, and even though it was an understanding between all of his close friends that no one brought her up, he thought about her constantly. "Um ya, actually," George quickly glanced at Izzie and she nodded, wordlessly agreeing that they should help the detective. "We put all of her stuff in boxes when we realized she wasn't coming back. We just recently put the boxes down in the basement when we found out my wife was pregnant and decided to use Meredith's old room for a nursery." Callie grabbed one of George's hands in a show of support, and he smiled back at her and gave it a squeeze. He stood up, letting go of his wife's hand, and motioned for the detective to follow him.

They all decided to follow as George led Detective Henry to the back of the house and down the dark staircase to the cold basement. George found the light switch and quickly flipped it up, letting the single light bulb illuminate the dusty room. The place was cluttered with dusty boxes and covered furniture, most of it belonging to Meredith's mom. Cobwebs decorated the corners and Izzie let out a dainty sneeze as the musty air tickled her nose. In the corner closest to them sat three boxes. It was obvious they had only recently been placed down there, still clean and freshly taped. The dust had yet to claim them as victims. Each one of the men grabbed a box and hauled it up the stairs, the girls following closely behind.

When they returned back to the living room, they heaved the boxes on the floor and George and Alex sat back to see what the detective would do next. He retrieved a small silver pocket knife from a pocket in his pants and slowly cut the tape on the first box. He opened it to reveal women clothing.

"Two of the boxes are just some clothing she left here, and from her locker at work. The other one contains books and papers, and yes, the note she left is in that one." George informed the detective.

At this Alex raised his eyebrows towards George. He hadn't known they'd kept the note. He really hadn't paid much attention when they'd packed her belongings, letting George and Izzie handle it all.

They all lapsed back into silence as the detective once again sliced the tape with his tiny knife. This was the box the detective was looking for. He kneeled down on his knees and reached in and pulled out a couple medical research books setting them to the side. He shuffled through some papers until his eyes rested on what he'd been searching for. He sucked in a quick breath and reached for the small cream colored book. He opened the first page and let out his breath relieved. It was her diary. He shuffled through the box a little more until he found an old notebook of paper and George explained the note was folded inside it, just how they had found it 5 years earlier.

That was one of the things that made the detective uneasy. She hadn't handed the note to her friends, or even laid it on the table for them to find. They had simply stumbled across it as they searched her room when they hadn't heard from her for a few days. The detective rocked back on his heels and slowly took the folded paper out. It had only been folded once in half. It was addressed to Derek. She started by confessing of her love for him. It then went on to say she did not regret what had happened between them. Detective Henry immediately assumed she was referring to what had happened at their doctor "prom". Before taking on the case, he had made Doctor Shepherd tell him the _whole _story of him and Meredith, and hadn't let him leave anything out as painful as it was. Meredith's note then continued with how she needed space and if things were meant to be she'd be back. And that was it. He could tell that there had been a couple sentences that had followed but then been erased. He held it to the light but couldn't make out what it had said. There was nothing else on the paper. No closing. She hadn't even signed her name. The experienced detective knew right away that this was an unfinished letter, but didn't say a word to the curious onlookers as he silently refolded the old piece of paper in half and stuck it back in the note book. By glancing quickly he noticed a lot of other random bits of information written in there as well, to do lists, reminders. He stood up and stretched his back. He had spent too long here and had other things he needed to get done. He grabbed the diary and note book and informed the group he was going to hang on to them for a while longer. Izzie was a little uncomfortable with the thought that he was going to go through her diary. She and George hadn't even opened it, thinking it was the biggest intrusion into privacy possible.

The detective headed towards the foyer and turned to thank the 4 new acquaintances for their time. He promised to return the few things he took in a couple of days, and disappeared out the front door.

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"Excuse me, Mary?"

The woman, who was most definitely _not_ named Mary, looked up from the place she sat on the floor, papers spread around her in every direction.

"Yes?" she answered Alice, the older woman who was quickly becoming her friend. She had been working in this small office for two and a half weeks and was nearing the completion of her assignment. Alice, as usual, had been amazed at her speed and accuracy and her ease in dealing with all the medical jargon.

"I need to get these files to a social worker upstairs, and I can't leave. I was wondering if you'd mind?" Alice held out a small stack of vanilla colored files towards the woman she called Mary.

"No problem." She jumped up from where she had been sitting all morning and took the files. Alice instructed her where she'd find the office and she hurried on her way.

Only minutes later she found what she was looking for and slowly opened the heavy wooden door. She stepped inside and was immediately greeted by a brown haired woman. She looked to be in her very early 30's.

"Can I help you?" The brown haired woman asked getting up from her desk to greet her visitor.

"Um, Ms. Jenkins sent up these files," she answered handing the files over to their rightful owner.

"Oh yes, of course. Thank you….?" She paused waiting for her to give her name.

"Mary." There it was again. That awful, twisting feeling, in the pit of her stomach. Would she ever get used to the _not knowing_.

"Mary," the dark haired girl repeated furrowing her brows. "I'm sorry you just look so familiar. Do I know you?"

"Um… sorry… I don't think so," _Mary _stammered. "Who… What is your name?" She tried to be polite knowing that it wouldn't make a difference either way. The likeliness of anyone knowing her in this strange city was quite slim.

"Oh, I'm sorry!" she answered extending a hand in her visitor's direction. "I'm Allison. I'm a social worker for the city of Seattle. I've lived here for almost 6 years, moved here from Arizona. How long have you lived here?"

"Oh, only a few months." She replied to the inquisitive social worker, taking her hand to shake.

"Really? Well how do you like it so far? You know I had an awful experience shortly after I first moved here, but it's made me who I am today." Allison professed.

"Oh? How's that?" She really didn't want to stay and keep up the small talk, but for some reason she was strangely curious about what the woman meant.

"I was walking in the park one day, about three weeks after I moved here and was attacked. I fought back with every ounce of my strength and got pretty banged up in the process. It was an attempted rape but because of my determination he failed. I actually ended up hurting him, and when he came to the hospital to be helped they caught him. It was a very scary experience that I nearly didn't survive. Both of my parents passed away in my early 20's and so I was all alone in a strange city. I owe my life to some very talented and compassionate surgeons at Seattle Grace Hospital. Because of them I made a complete recovery and vowed to do something to help those that might be in the same situation that I found myself. I became a social worker."

Astonishment filled the blue-grey eyes that usually only held confusion and uncertainty. What an amazing story. She searched Allison's face and for the first time saw the slight hint of a few scars. Some were long and traveled down the length of her cheek. Others small. She also noticed some on her hands and arms. They weren't too obvious; time had smoothed them out for the most part. But if you looked closely, you could see them.

"I don't know why, but I feel like we've met before. Are you sure you don't remember me?" Allison brought her attention back to her earlier question.

The hesitant woman searched Allison's face once more. Did she know her? Had they met before? Her stomach turned again, but this time she felt something different. Almost hopeful, optimistic. She felt like the answer was on the tip of her tongue. She was so close. Maybe she did know this woman. She tried to slow the racing of her heart and took a deep breath. She was being ridiculous.

"I'm sorry I don't think so." She said once more, and with that turned on her heals and left.

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**A/N: I hope you all remember who "Allison" is. I don't take credit for creating her character. I'm just bringing it around full circle so to speak.**


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: Well it looks like some of you got who Allison was, but some of you didn't. I think if I would have thrown in there that she was the patient who bit of that guys ahem then everyone would have caught on, but I just wasn't sure how to add that to their small, _causual_ conversation. So yes, she was one of the first patients that Meredith had worked on with Derek.**

**Anyways, read and review. Thanks as always!**

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"Who's that with Shepherd?" Burke asked as he thoughtlessly tossed his dart towards the board. It had been a long day and it felt good to relax with his close friend at Joe's.

George looked across the bar towards the private booth Burke had gestured towards. Two men sat across from each other clearly discussing something significant.

"That's the Private Investigator, Detective Henry, I think it was." George answered taking a long swig of his beer. He had told Burke all that had happened after they had had the surprise visit from the man.

"I wonder what they're talking about, it looks serious." Burke asked still watching the two men.

George just nodded. _Meredith_, he thought to himself. He hadn't thought about much else since their unsettling visit from the detective 9 days ago.

Burke shrugged and slapped George on the back. "So what do you say O'Malley, best 2 out of 3?" He turned his back to Derek and the Detective, pulling the darts from the board and holding them out to his good friend.

* * *

Derek sighed, frustrated and tired. He ran both hands through his unruly hair and sat back in the booth. He _knew_ he shouldn't have begun this conversation until _after_ he had finished his glass of scotch. Or, truthfully, after he'd finished 4or 5 glasses of scotch.

He still wasn't quite sure what the hell he was doing. Why had he decided to drag all of this up, now, after so long? As much as he had pretended, he still hadn't gotten over it all. It was still as painful and sharp as it had been way back then. But here he sat, his broken heart and tattered feelings splayed on the table before him, for all to see.

"So what, exactly, are you trying to say Detective?" Derek growled, he was irritated at the man who sat across from him. He knew he had some sort of news. Something big, he was intelligent enough to know there was something the detective wasn't saying. And he wished he'd just come out and say it.

The detective stared down at his own drink for a moment before looking back up at the doctor. He hated doing this. The man that sat before him was already broken. Damaged almost beyond repair. But he had to. He had been hired to find out everything he could about Meredith, and so he had no choice. He cleared his throat and tried to sound as professional as possible, "As I mentioned before, I had the chance to go through her diary and some other personal notes….a n d…." he dragged the word out, "I'm not convinced that she actually_ left_ you Derek."

Derek furrowed his brow not understanding what the Detective was trying to say.

"What I mean, Doctor, is I'm certain foul play was involved." Before a stunned Derek could reply, the detective hurried on. "And one more thing. She was pregnant."

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She sat on the edge of Hanna's cot and smiled down at her daughter. The day had been long and her head was buzzing. Hanna looked equally exhausted, her hard day consisting of playing duck duck goose, singing nursery rhymes, and painting countless colorful pictures for her mother. She couldn't help but smile at the beautiful tiny girl. She used her hand to move Hanna's dark curls off of her forehead and leaned down and placed a soft kiss on her smooth young skin.

"G'night mama," she said sleepily finally giving in to the weight of her eyelids and quickly drifted off to sleep.

Hanna's mom quietly moved to the next cot over and laid her weary body down. She pulled the stiff blankets up around her and closed her eyes. She willed sleep to come, but as tired as she was she had too much on her mind. Her head continued to buzz and she was starting to get concerned. It wasn't like a real headache, it didn't actually hurt. But it felt uncomfortably full, that was the only way she could describe it. She squeezed her eyes shut tightly, and shook her head slightly from side to side, as if to shake the sensation away. Suddenly the hair on the back of her neck stood on end and she felt as if her heart might stop. Sounds popped into her head, inaudible voices. She flung her eyes open to see if she was actually hearing something but was greeted by quiet blackness. She closed her eyes again and waited for the noise to return.

_"25 year old female, found down at the park. Status, post trauma. She came in with a GCS of 6. BP is 80 over 60. Exam significant for blunt head trauma. Unequal breath sounds, right pupil is dilated, and she's ready for x-ray." _

She laid completely still on her cot, letting the sounds bounce around in her head. She could almost see it happening. The paramedics and doctors whirling around the room, hovering over a woman on a stretcher. She was there. Standing off to the side. She slowly moved closer to the victim. It was as if she was moving in slow motion. Things began to get blurry and just as she was about to loose the vision, she saw the face of the woman everyone was fussing about. It was Allison.

The next morning Hanna's mom was even more tired than usual. She hadn't slept much the night before. She had just tossed and turned trying to wrap her mind around what had happened. She had _remembered_. She had recalled a memory. It was a small flicker of light, in a vast, endless sea of darkness. But it was something. She had thought about nothing else all night, the scene replaying over and over in her head. She was still extremely confused as to why she would have been in the trauma room when Allison had been brought in. Her first thought was maybe Allison and she had been friends, but quickly dismissed that idea realizing that Allison would have known her well, not needing to ask _Where do I know you from? _Hours later, as the sun began to emerge from the horizon lighting up the darkened basement; she still hadn't come to any conclusions. She wasn't discouraged though. After all, she had _remembered. _It was a step in the right direction.

After enjoying some warm banana nut muffins, someone had brought in to the shelter, she and Hanna headed off to begin their daily routine once again. She signed her daughter in to the daycare center, and exchanged kisses with her bubbly, excited 4 year old who was anxious to greet her friends and all the toys that were sprawled across the floor. As she headed back down the long hall towards the elevators, she was practically knocked over by a small, red headed girl with a face full of freckles. The girl didn't even pause to acknowledge the adult she had knocked into and kept on running. Moments later the girl's mother came around the corner hollering ahead to her young daughter, "Meredith Jane! You stop that right now! What have I told you about running ahead of me?! … Meredith! … Meredith!" The woman rushed by not giving a second glance to the stunned stranger in the hall.

Her head was spinning and she suddenly felt nauseous. She quickly searched for a chair and found a small wooden bench outside some offices and sat down. She put her head in her hands and tried to compose herself. She didn't know what was happening. She closed her eyes and heard the young red head's mothers' voice ringing in her ears. "Meredith! Meredith!" The lady's voice soon faded and was replaced by another's

_The voice sounded annoyed and she wasn't sure why. "Meredith? Meredith! Let's go_ right now_!" the lady was demanding. A carousel came into focus and she could feel the hard, cold plastic of the painted horse she sat upon. "We need to leave_ right now_!" It was her mother yelling at her. "Mommy, please can I go around just one more time? Mommy? Please!" She was begging. She felt young and scared. She had never seen her mother so upset. Her mother didn't cry, and yet here she was, tears streaming down her face. "Meredith." She said it quieter this time but just as harsh and she knew it was no use. She slid down the horse and followed her mother out the gate and to their parked car. The car ride home had been silent and even as a young child, she was smart, and knew that something had happened and she and her mother would never be the same._

Ten minutes later she still sat on the bench in the quiet hallway. People came and went, but no one gave more than a quick glance to the lady that sat alone.

Meredith. Her name was Meredith. She had remembered her name! She had even remembered her mother! Although that last revelation didn't bring her as much comfort as she would have expected and wasn't sure why. She regained her composure and stood up with a new sense of confidence. She turned and started back down the hall ready to start her day.


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: I am so sorry about the delay in getting this next chapter up. I hope I didn't loose anyone! Especially because this is _just_ getting good. wink wink. So PLEASE please please review. I really would like to know how many people are reading this and what you think. To those who are so dedicated at reviewing, a huge big thank you. I know who you are and appreciate it more than you'll ever know. So enough is enough. Read and enjoy and look for a couple more chapters up tomorrow. I'm at a place that I just can't stop so don't worry more is coming soon. Not _soonish_.**

"So what's this detective going to do now!? I mean he's gone to the police with what he knows, right? What are the police going to do? What's _foul play_ mean anyways? He doesn't think Meredith was hurt does he? What are _you_ going to do Derek?" The beautiful red head started shooting questions at her ex-husband the second he finished filling Addison and Mark in on the new developments.

He didn't know how he had ended up here. After leaving the bar, he kind of just drove around aimlessly, not knowing where to go, but not wanting to go to his empty trailer. He found himself sitting outside of the Sloan's large house and wasn't sure whether or not to go in. Thirty minutes later the decision had been made for him when he heard a light knock on his jeep's window and turned to see Mark.

He didn't know how to define the relationship he and Mark shared. He supposed they were friends. He knew they would never have the same bond they had shared years ago, but they were at least amiable now. After all, Mark had married his ex-wife, and he still considered her family. So in a way Mark was family too. They had both been there for him when he had hit rock bottom. They understood his moodiness and were one of the only few who could handle his erratic temper.

So there Derek sat, on a soft ivory couch, between his ex-wife and ex-best friend spilling his guts. He placed two fingers on his temples and moved them in circles trying to ease the throbbing that he felt inside.

"Addie, slow down." Mark gave his wife a look that told her to step back. He could tell that this man, who still felt like a brother to him, was taking it hard. He knew his wife was upset by the news and had lots of questions; he had his fare share as well. Mark also knew that Derek was still processing everything for himself and didn't need to be bombarded by their questions.

They sat for a moment in silence, husband and wife watching their devastated friend.

"I didn't tell you the worst part." Derek's shaking voice broke the silence. "Meredith was pregnant."

Both friends sharply inhaled, eyes wide with shock. That was the last thing they had expected. Neither knew what to say to comfort their friend. So they sat in stunned silence. All three of them staring blankly ahead.

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Meredith was nearing the end of her work day. She had finished updating the medical charts that lined the back wall days ago, and was now sitting at a desk in a small room to the back of the office working on another task. She was just finishing up when she heard the door to their main office open and Alice greet the visitor, "Allison! What a pleasant surprise. To what do I owe this pleasure?"

Meredith's attention was immediately torn from her work at hand and she leaned closer to the front room, trying to hear what the ladies were discussing. She could only make out a few words here and there from their small talk, so she quickly thought of an excuse to get closer. She grabbed some papers off the desk that needed to be filed and made her way to the front where the filing cabinets stood in short rows. She tried to be as inconspicuous as possible as she slowly put the separate folders in their correct spaces.

The two women fortunately didn't notice and continued with their conversation. They seemed to be old friends and very much at ease with one another. They were talking about their families and getting caught up on each other's lives.

"Tell me how your nephew is doing?" Allison cheerfully chatted up her dear old friend. "Last time I talked to you, you mentioned he was having some headaches and he had an appointment with his doctor to get it checked out. What ever happened?"

For some reason the turn in conversation sparked Meredith's interest. She took a couple steps closer to the women, forgetting about the filing she was supposedly doing.

Alice nodded knowing instantly what she was referring to. "Oh yes, well you wouldn't believe what happened. Only a few days before his appointment he woke up one morning with slurred speech and his balance was completely off. His parents panicked of course and rushed him to the Emergency Room where they immediately performed a CT scan. Everyone was shocked to learn he had a …."

"Subdural Hematoma." Meredith said in a voice only barely above a whisper, surprising herself even more than the two women who spun around to face her.

"How… how did you know that?" Alice asked her mysterious employee, furrowing her brows, her voice laced with heavy suspicion.

"I… I don't know?" Meredith answered honestly.

"Mary!" Allison chimed recognizing her from the day before. She stopped herself from continuing and didn't say anymore when she noticed the skeptical look being given to her new friend, from her old friend. "Wh… What's going on?" She asked looking back and forth between the two, entirely confused.

"I'm not sure," Alice said coolly. "Why don't you ask Mary, because there is obviously something our new little friend is keeping from us."

Meredith looked back and forth between Alice and Allison. They both stared at her expectantly waiting for some kind of answer. She didn't know what to do. She felt like a deer in the headlights. Her hands were shaking and she felt beads of sweat form on her brow.

She slumped to the ground and started crying, quiet sobs. She had no choice. She couldn't loose her humble job. She had to tell them. She knew she had some kind of connection to Allison, and maybe confessing her whole story would be the way to figure out just what that was. She could trust these people, right? They wouldn't turn her in to the unhelpful doctors again, making her daughter spend the night alone and scared. Right? She looked back up to the ladies that stood there speechless. The cold accusation in their eyes had been replaced with sympathy and confusion. They both kneeled down on each side of her and Alice grabbed her hand.

"Its okay honey, what ever it is you can tell us." Alice gave the scared young woman an encouraging smile, persuading her to come clean.

Meredith took one last breath gathering strength and started her story back at the beginning. She tried to remember as far back as she could recall. Back to Canada, back to the kind nuns, back to the news she was going to have a baby, to the feelings she had experienced, the cold fear of realization that she would be bringing a helpless life into a world she didn't have any recollection of. She told them it all, not sparing any details. She told them about how her search for a cure to her amnesia had landed her here in Seattle, desperately seeking for a way to meet with the nations top Neurologist.

When she was finished she let out a sigh of relief and looked into the eyes of her new friends. They're faces mirrored bewilderment and compassion.

She immediately felt the knot in her stomach dissolve and she knew she had done the right thing.

No one spoke for a long time.

"Oh my gosh." Were the only words Allison could get speak.

Alice stood up from her spot on the floor beside Meredith and started pacing. She had one hand on her chin and was rubbing it as she thought.

"So,… Meredith…" She started, testing out the new name. "You're_ sure_ that the Neurology department at Seattle Grace is your last hope?"

Meredith nodded solemnly keeping her eyes on the woman before her.

Alice thought a minute more then shook her head as if deciding something in her head. "Well it looks like we don't have any other choice." She crossed the room to her desk and picked up her phone. "It looks like I'm going to have to call in a long overdue favor."

Meredith and Allison watched her, both confused. They didn't know what she was talking about or who she was calling, so they just sat and watched, puzzled looks on both of their faces.

Someone on the other end answered and Alice turned her back to her audience and spoke into the phone, "Hi, this is Alice Jenkins, my I please speak to Miranda Bailey?"


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: A BIG thankyou for all of you who reviewed last chapter. That was definately a record and made me feel good. I have 2 chapters to post today. This one and then I'll get Chapter 8 up in a few hours. Please let me know what you think, I'm doing my best to keep everyone's interest!**

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The next week passed in slow motion. Derek had, once again, dove into his work, blocking out everything else. News had quickly spread around the hospital about the suspicions around Meredith's disappearance, and the whispers and stares had returned. It was just so much easier to block out everything and focus on his career. The numbing surgeries, the patients, the consults, the sterile hospital rooms. All of it kept his mind from Meredith and how his life was suddenly spinning out of control once again.

He found himself sitting in Detective Henry's office, tapping his fingers impatiently, his eyes hooded, face stern. Hours earlier, Derek had received a message from the detective asking him to meet him at his office, saying he had something urgent to discuss. Derek hadn't let himself think about what that might mean, and had diligently obeyedmeetinghimat the detective's small, disorganized office by the harbor.

He searched the Detectives face, trying to get a hint about the news he was about to hear. But the detective's expressions were guarded and Derek couldn't read him. So he sat back; the hard metal chair pressing against his body, and waited.

The detective immediately sensed the doctor's foul mood and knew it was best if he got right to the situation at hand. He cleared his throat and spoke to Derek, "There's not really an easy way to say this, so I'm just going to show you." With that he grabbed a black VHS tape labeled: "Ferry #2, Camera 3", from a drawer in his desk and popped it in to a small, old TV/VCR combo that sat on a cluttered table to the side of the room.

Derek turned and watched as the detective pressed played than searched for the right spot. He furrowed his brows and grunted. What did a ferry boats security camera have to do with anything? He was about to get up and leave when the detective found what he was looking for and stepped out of the way for Derek to see.

Derek's eyes were immediately drawn to the date at the top of the television screen. In tiny grey letters the words: 16 September, 2006; 17:35. Derek at once became interested and he stood from the metal chair, stepping closer to the small TV. _September 16_, he thought to himself. That was almost 5 days before anyone had noticed Meredith was gone. He suddenly realized he was watching what a surveillance camera had recorded. He instantly recognized the ferry. It was the same one he rode every day. The only one that allowed him to get back and forth from his trailer to the hospital. He was again confused at how this might help and started to question the detective.

The silent man just held up his hand, and so Derek turned back to the screen and waited. It was dark and few people passed by the camera, leaving that side of the deck mostly deserted. They watched only a moment more before a young woman came into view. She had a small frame and dark blond hair that rested a few inches beyond her shoulders. The video wasn't the best quality and the image was jumpy, but Derek would recognize that form anywhere. It was Meredith. His breath caught in his throat and tears threatened to escape. He willed them to stay where they were and watched the small screen. He was overcome with a mixture of emotions. He hadn't seen that small body in over 5 years and there it stood on the screen before him. All the love and passion he felt for her came sweeping back. Along with it came the ache and pain of not holding her, of not kissing her soft lips, in so long. His feelings were also laced with regret. He had never told her of his true feelings for her. He had never once told her he loved her. The regret was spreading through his body as he watched her. She was all alone, pacing back and forth. She looked nervous and he wondered why. She turned out towards the ocean and leaned her small body against the rails.

It was almost torture. Seeing her again but not being able to touch her. Knowing that she was obviously upset about something but not being able to comfort her. Yet still, he kept his tears in check, and didn't cry.

All of the sudden from the corner of the screen a large man approached her. She was startled and turned to face him. There was some sort of exchange between the two. Derek leaned closer as if to hear what was being said, but it was useless, no sound had been recorded. The hairs on his arm stood strait up and his heart started to pound. The man on the screen started to get angry. He could see Meredith fearfully shaking her head, holding up her hands as if to show she didn't have anything. The man's rage grew and he shoved his frightened victim against the rail. Meredith lost her balance and slipped, striking her head against a metal bar, and fell over the side, disappearing from view. Her shocked attacker quickly looked around and after seeing he was alone, stuck his hands in his pocket and slowly walked away, not once looking back.

Derek stood still, his body shaking, his stomach threatening to eject its contents. His throat began to constrict and he could hear his heart, rapidly pounding, in his head. His eyes now stung, the force of holding in the tears almost too great. But, still, he didn't cry.

The forgotten about detective began to speak, his voice sounding far away. Derek tried to concentrate on the words being spoken but was having difficulty. _Not enough security on staff that night_, and _Tapes never reviewed until now, _echoed in his head But it didn't make a difference. He wasn't listening anymore. He put every ounce of the strength he had left into putting one foot in front of the other, desperate to escape. His walk turned into a run as he passed through the doorway, down the hall, and out of the building. He didn't even stop as cold rain slapped his face. He just ran harder. He found his jeep and threw it into drive, forgetting to stop at several stop signs and even one red light as he proceeded on. As much as his body trembled in sorrow and his heart bled in despair, he didn't cry.

He soon found himself at his property, his small silver trailer shining in the moonlight.

He jerked the old jeeps metal door open, not bothering to close it behind him, and started running again. He ran until his lungs burned, begging for oxygen. He ran harder and faster than he had ever ran in his life. He soon came to a clearing in the woods that joined with a wide, vast lake. It looked black in the moonlight, and Derek stopped only feet from the edge of water. He leaned over; putting both hands on his knees, and gasped for air. He saw a rock the size of a baseball and leaned further down to pick it up. He ran his fingers over the cold stone, then gripping it in his right hand, heaved it as hard and as far as he could. He watched the small, grey boulder land in the water with a small, quiet splash and he fell to his knees. He didn't notice the damp ground soak through his dress pants, leaving his skin cold. He looked up into the black sky, sprinkled with stars as far as the eye could see, and screamed. It was a deep, chilling sound that echoed off the tree tops and bounced across the water. It was then, finally, in the middle of nowhere, down on his knees, that Derek Shepherd let the first tear fall.


	8. Chapter 8

Alex and Izzie strolled along the dock holding hands. They were enjoying a quiet Sunday afternoon together. Things at home and around the hospital had been so tense the last week; ever since Mark and Addie had shared with them what Derek had told them about the suspicions surrounding Meredith's disappearance. It had caused a chill amongst the group and no one really wanted to talk about it. None of them had talked to Derek after his important meeting with the detective. He hadn't showed up for work after that, Burke explaining that he had asked for a couple weeks off unexplained. The small family of doctors was eager to learn what Detective Henry might have found out, but Derek wouldn't take anyone's calls, not even Addison's, which was extremely rare. They figured he was just taking time to deal with everything that was going on.

Izzie found she was easily irritated and uneasy for some reason that morning, so Alex had suggested a long walk down by the harbor. It was doing Izzie good, and she could honestly feel herself relaxing, all the tension that had been building up the last week, melting with each step. They talked about casual stuff. Cool surgeries they'd seen the last week. Humorous patients they had encountered. Alex chatted about how the Sea Hawks actually had a chance at the NFC Championship Title this year. They walked slowly, both enjoying the fresh salty air, watching as strangers hurried by.

Izzie suddenly stopped, and Alex turned to see what had caught his girlfriend's attention. He followed her gaze to a small little girl standing by herself, her tiny face smashed up against a window of one of the small shops that spotted the harbor. It was a souvenir shop and a collection of small toys decorated the window display. Her indigo eyes were wide, and shone with excitement. Her dark curls were wild and framed her petite face.

"I know her from somewhere Alex." Izzie spoke to him taking a few steps in her direction.

Alex shrugged not thinking too much into what his girlfriend had just said. After all Izzie was doing her residency in pediatric surgery and she saw hundreds of kids each month

"You recognize her from the hospital or something, Iz?"

"No, I don't think so." Izzie _knew_ this little girl was not from the hospital. "She just looks so familiar. Don't you think so?"

Alex looked again and had to agree that he'd seen those sharp blue eyes before. Izzie and Alex exchanged a glance, and now equally fascinated, approached the dark haired girl.

Izzie kneeled down next to the small child. She grinned as she saw that the little girl was staring at a little Raggedy Ann doll, longing in her eyes.

"Hi there." Izzie said softly, trying not to alarm the child. The girl turned, startled by the strangers who now stood close to her. Her eyes grew in fear and she took a few steps back, shying away. "Where's your mommy?"

The scared girl started looking around frantically; realization hitting that she had been separated from her mom. Tears formed in her terrified eyes making the blue sparkle like the ocean.

"It's okay honey, are you lost?" It was now Alex who dropped himself down to her level and talked soothingly to the upset child.

Before either adult could react, the girl turned and ran away with surprising speed. Izzie and Alex trailed her, curious at where she was headed. They followed her around the corner and watched as she ran into the arms of a woman who was obviously her mother. The light haired woman swept the child up in her arms and held her close, nuzzling her face in the dark curls. Alex and Izzie stopped in there tracks and watched the exchange from a distance. The united mother and daughters' voice drifted down the breeze way and they could here the woman tell the child to never walk away like that again. She had been scared to death.

Satisfied that the child was safe, and deserting their attempt at figuring out who the girl was, they both turned to leave. At the same moment the woman withdrew her face from the untamed curls and set her daughter down.

Alex and Izzie gasped and looked at each other. Could it be? But when they looked back, the mother and daughter were gone. With out saying a word they both took off after the two, Alex sprinting as fast as his athletic legs would carry him. They looked everywhere. Behind shops, around corners, back at the harbor, inside the small restaurants, but nothing. It seemed the two had vanished as fast as they had appeared. Alex and Izzie laughed at themselves uneasily. They mocked themselves at thinking the impossible. It wasn't Meredith, they told themselves. It couldn't be. They were just seeing things, after everything that had gone on the last week. They decided they were done with their "quiet" afternoon, and it was time to head home. They rode back to the house in silence, each feeling even more troubled and tense then when they had arrived.

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Meredith and Hanna were enjoying their quiet Sunday afternoon together. Since she didn't have to work that day she had decided to take Hanna to see the Ferry Boats. Her daughter had talked non stop about Ferry Boats ever since reading a story about them during daycare. Hanna had skipped excitedly along the harbor's dock, eager to get a peak at the large boats. Meredith had giggled at her daughters' innocent enthusiasm but found herself just as excited as they reached the ferry's. They stayed there for along time watching the people on deck come and go. What was it about these immense boats that made her heart quicken in her chest? It was intense, and she smiled down at her daughter seeing the joy mirrored in her blue eyes.

Their moment was interrupted by a group of rambunctious teenagers causing a commotion. They were hollering and throwing glass bottles at each other. Meredith instantly grabbed her daughter and put her behind her just as one of the rowdy kids pushed his skinny friend, causing him to bump into Meredith. Meredith stumbled a few feet back, and caught herself on the railing. The group quickly hurried on, not even pausing to apologize to the petite woman they had just knocked over.

Meredith froze, one hand on her daughter, holding her close, the other still grasping the cold metal of the rail. She looked over the dock, down to the dark sea beneath her and felt her head beginning to spin. Scenes started to flash in her mind:

_She was standing alone on the deck of a ferry boat. She was nervous and upset. She remembered she was headed somewhere to tell _him_ she was pregnant. She couldn't remember who "him" was. She saw a man approaching and she remembered how scared she was. The next thing she knew she was falling, she caught the right side of her head on something hard and everything went black after that._

_She was now suffocating. She desperately tried to breathe, but couldn't take a breath. Everything was black and she was freezing cold. She was spinning in every direction trying to figure out what was happening, struggling against the unknown force. And then suddenly she was free. She surfaced, gasping for air. Everything around her was pitch black, the sliver of moon not doing much to light up the night._

_Gathering strength she didn't know she had, she began to swim. She swam until her arms were numb, until her lungs burned, until she didn't know where her legs stopped and the freezing water started. She swam, an unknown force driving her. Her head was throbbing and her tired body was close to giving up. She didn't know how long she'd been in the ocean but knew it was too long. Even in her confused state, she knew she was doomed, the chance of being found nearly impossible. Slowly she stopped moving her arms and stilled her kicking feet. She floated on top of the water for a short period of time before her body turned into lead. She could feel herself giving up; surrendering to the ocean as it slowly pulled her in. She went quietly, not putting up any more fight and as her head was about to be swallowed she saw the faint light of a boat in the distance. The last sound that reached her was the boats whistle, calling out to her. It was no use though. She closed her eyes and waited for death._

_The next scene that flashed through Meredith's mind was lying on a hard bed, the room rising and falling around her. She thought for a moment maybe the odd movement was a result from her head injury, but then realized she was, once again, on a boat. She wasn't dead. Someone had saved her. She couldn't move and she couldn't call out. She was too weak. She had been wrapped in dry blankets in an effort to warm her up, but it hadn't started working yet, her body vibrating from the cold. She was barely aware of large, burly men moving around her. The strong stench of fish greeted her nostrils and churned her stomach. Her slow mind concluded she must be on a fishing boat. They were very common, often running routes up and down the coast from Seattle to Canada. She tried to focus on what the fishermen were saying. She could only catch bits and pieces of the conversation. They were discussing where they should take their unusual "catch". The last words to drift over her as she once again fell into a deep unconsciousness were "a small shelter ran by nuns at the next port in Canada". Her world went black and she stayed in the comfort of darkness and quiet for a long time. _

_When she would open her eyes, several days later, she'd be greeted by several friendly nuns who would quickly become the only family she could remember._

Just as fast as the memories had come, they were gone. Meredith quickly remembered where she was and regained her composure. She tucked a loose strand of hair that had come free from her pony tail behind her ear, and looked around. Her heart sank when she didn't see Hanna. She frantically searched the dock and couldn't see her small daughter anywhere. Fear suddenly seized her body and she started to shake. She called out Hanna's name begging for her to answer. She started moving, now hysterical, searching the crowds for a small head of dark curls. She went up and down the shops poking her head in each one, begging for her baby to answer back. She debated in her head if she should find a police officer. What if someone had taken her?

In her crazed frenzy she nearly missed the dark head of curls come from around the corner in a panic of her own. She swept her daughter up and held her as tight as she could. She couldn't remember ever being this scared. Hanna was all she had in this world and if she ever lost her…. She couldn't even bring herself to finish the dreadful thought. She buried her tears in Hanna's curls and told her how scared she had been, begging her never to leave her side again. After holding her close for a moment more she drew in a deep breath and set her daughter down.

She quickly looked over Hanna to make sure she was okay and told her they needed to hurry. Meredith gripped Hanna's small hand tightly as she weaved in and out of the crowds. The bus was due any minute and because of the unplanned delay, they would probably miss the bus. She hurried on, feeling bad for making Hanna's little legs move so fast but didn't have a choice. Only a couple buses worked their route on Sunday, and if she missed this one she'd have to wait until it was dark before the next one came. Meredith hurried on; silently hoping the bus was behind schedule for once.

She breathed a deep sigh of relief as she turned the corner just as the bus was pulling up. She and Hanna quickly jumped in line and boarded the bus. She handed over the required change and found an empty seat to the rear. The two tired girls plopped down and it wasn't long before Hanna was out, her small body resting safely against her mom's. Meredith smiled down and breathed a sigh of relief that nothing had happened to her Gift from God.


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: Well, as usual thankyou _all _to your wonderful reviews. They really got me inspired today. This chapter is just kind of a filler to bridge to the next one. But don't worry, I'm posting the next chapter right after this so you won't have to wait. Brace yourselfs, things are going to get intense. Tomorrows a good day so I'll have tons of time to get the next chapters up so you won't be left hanging for long. And yes, we are SO close to Derek finding out Meredith's is not dead. I'm thinking maybe sometime tomorrow...**

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Alice Jenkins slammed the phone down once again, when she heard his voice mail pick up. For being some kind of world renowned brain surgeon, he sure didn't have a clue when it came to answering his phone or returning any one of her 16 messages. She was getting frustrated with this _Doctor Shepherd_, Miranda Bailey had told her about.

It had taken Alice a few days to track down her old acquaintance, Dr. Bailey. She finally had gotten a hold of someone who was able to tell her Doctor Bailey was out of state, presenting at a medical conference in California, and wouldn't be back at Seattle Grace for a few weeks more. After some bargaining on her end, Alice soon had Miranda's cell phone number.

Miranda was pleasantly surprised to hear from her old friend and after some brief small chat; Alice had let her know exactly why she was calling. She spoke generally and left out details, only informing Miranda that she had met a woman with amnesia who hoped to be seen by a neurologist at Seattle Grace. Alice learned from Dr. Bailey that there was only one doctor that would be worth their time and that was Doctor Shepherd. He apparently was not only the best neurologist there, but also across the West coast. The only problem was that he was a very unpleasant and busy man. Getting in to see him would be next to impossible, but Miranda would do what she could on her end. She gave Alice Dr. Shepherds direct line and told her she would call ahead to let him know to expect a call. Miranda had wished Alice luck and then had to end the call. She was late to her next presentation.

Alice sighed and sat down in her soft chair. She had left endless messages for the doctor and had yet to hear back from him. She'd even made several calls to the surgical floor he apparently worked on and had talked to some nurses. Each one had repeated what had already been disclosed. Dr. Shepherd was on an indefinite leave of absent, they didn't know when he would be returning. She had even once accidentally been transferred to another doctor on the floor. Though she hadn't been any help either. She had been rude and sarcastic to Alice, and Alice had hung up even more frustrated.

She didn't know why she was getting so emotionally involved. It wasn't like Alice to be this way. There was just something about Meredith. She was way too intelligent and pretty to be wondering around the streets of Seattle. She knew if a doctor could help her remember more about whom she was, she could find her way home. The fact that Meredith had a young daughter pulled even stronger on Alice's heart strings and kept her determined. She would do every thing in her power to help her new friend Meredith.

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Cristina clasped both of her hands behind her head and twisted her back to the right. Satisfied with the three pops she felt she repeated the action on the other side. She was still on a surgical high, one she never got tired of. She had just assisted Dr. Hemming, one of the back up neurologist Burke had hired over a year ago to cover Shepherds over flow cases, on a complex craniotomy in a patient with cerebral oedema. Everyone assumed that just because her boyfriend was a cardiothoracic surgeon, that that's where she was headed with her specialty. The truth was that she wasn't even close to making up her mind. She enjoyed working over an open heart, and she knew she was good at it. Burke had complimented her on more than one occasion, which she would never admit to him, or anyone else for that matter, had made her feel good. But she couldn't deny the rush she felt during brain surgery. There was something thrilling about being inside someone's head. It was there that she felt the most in control. And everyone knew Cristina liked being in control.

She was glancing over the patients chart, adding a few notes when a nurse's conversation on the telephone a few feet away grabbed her attention. She noticed the nurse's voice was a little strained, she was trying to be patient as she repeated to the person on the other side of the phone, "I'm sorry Mam. I know you're frustrated but Dr. Shepherd is _not_ here and nobody knows when he'll be back. I'm sorry again Mam. Okay… bye." The nurse hung up and let out an irritated sigh before walking away.

Cristina watched the disappearing nurse and wondered what was going on. Someone was desperately trying to get a hold of Shepherd and she wondered why. She had even talked to the persistent woman on the phone herself a few days back. She hadn't meant to be so short and cranky with her but it was just one of those days. Everyone was finding themselves uneasy with the sudden talk of Meredith, and the longer Shepherd stayed away, the larger the rumors grew. Even though Cristina was strong and pretended to not care about the whispers, she wasn't immune and had found herself on more than one occasion lying in bed at night thinking of the girl that used to be her person. She had a strange feeling in the pit of her stomach about the mysterious caller, but pushed it away as she closed the chart with a bang and headed down the hall.


	10. Chapter 10

The next few days had dragged by for Meredith. She found herself discouraged after Alice had told her that her contact at Seattle Grace was out of town and she wasn't having much luck on her own. She tried to be upbeat for Hanna, but Meredith still felt herself slowly giving up hope.

That evening she was drying off Hanna in the small bathroom where she had cleaned herself and Hanna in the small sink. She had dressed in her faded pajamas and was helping Hanna with hers, pulling up the bottoms, when she carelessly straightened up, striking the right side of her head on the cold hard porcelain sink. Lights flashed in her mind and she slowly sat down on the chilled tile floor, letting her hand gingerly touch the side of her face. She couldn't believe how hard she had struck her head. She looked up, blinking, and saw Hanna staring at her with large frightened eyes. She tried to give her daughter a reassuring smile but the slight movement made the room spin. She took a breath and tried to stand, but her legs didn't obey and she fell back on the ground. She didn't feel too well and crawled slowly into the dirty stall and emptied her dinner into the toilet. She sat for a moment more before slowly pulling herself up. She felt something warm and touched her fingers to her ear to reveal red sticky blood.

Now she was panicked. She had to think. She couldn't let the directors of the church shelter find her like this. They would immediately send her to the county hospital. Her weak mind frantically thought for a solution. Alice. She could call Alice. Her new friend had given her her home phone number telling Meredith to call if she ever needed anything. She needed Alice more in this moment then ever before. Alice would know what to do.

She looked down at her blurry daughter and instructed her to grab on to mommy's pants and no matter what, not let go. She made her way out the bathroom and started down the dim hall. She walked slow careful steps using the wall as support as she crept along. Her goal was the pay phone; she had to make it there. She could feel herself being pulled into unconsciousness but fought to stay alert. The short journey took her minutes and she was getting weaker and weaker. She finally made it to the old metal phone and reached in to her pocket. She cursed when she realized she had left the change in her dirty pants that now sat with the rest of their dirty clothes back in the bathroom. She glanced back down the hallway and knew she would never make it their and back. Her body was already shaking and her vision was extremely blurry.

She picked up the large, black telephone receiver and dialed "0". She waited for the operator to answer before speaking as clearly as her shaky voice would let her the number she wished to dial collect. She held her breath and prayed for Alice to answer and accept t the charges. Meredith knew she was fading fast and didn't have much time. She placed a reassuring hand on her daughter's smaller one that still clung to her pajama bottoms.

Before long Meredith heard Alice answer and immediately accept the charges. Before Alice could finish her polite greeting, Meredith desperately spoke to her friend, "Alice, I'm hurt, I need you to come get me…" Her eyes rolled back into her head and she slumped down onto the ground against the wall unconscious. Hanna shook her mother desperately. "Mama? Mama? What's wrong, mommy? Open your eyes. Please mommy wake up!" Hanna felt alone and frightened. She closed her eyes and buried her face into the stomach of her motionless mother.

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Meredith felt herself being pulled further and further away. The thick black consumed her. She heard her baby calling her name and knew she had to fight the blissful peace that beckoned her to stay. When she finally found the strength to open her eyes she saw to young men working over her calling out orders. She blinked, confused for a moment as why she was floating on her back. As things became less hazy, she realized she was not floating but on a stretcher being carried out of the shelter and the men that hovered over her were paramedics.

As comprehension dawned Meredith panicked. She ripped off her oxygen mask and tried to sit up. The two paramedics gently placed their hands on her to hold her down and she crazily swung her arms at their attempt. Where was Hanna? She couldn't leave her baby. She tried to fight with all her might, her head throbbing and lights flashing inside her mind.

Suddenly Alice appeared over head and she immediately felt relief rush over her body. "It's okay Meredith, calm down. They're taking you to Seattle Grace. Everything will be fine." Meredith felt herself settle down a little but her struggle had taken everything out of her. She was only barely able to let out a weak request, "Hanna?"

"It's okay honey." Alice assured her soothingly. "I have her; she's going to be just fine. We'll follow you to the hospital. Everything's going to be fine."

Meredith tried to respond but she found it impossible. She was already slipping back into the dark. To the deep blackness that swallowed her whole and took away her pain, if only for a moment.

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Mark Sloan leaned against the counter and gave his wife a seductive smile. She rolled her eyes but couldn't stop the grin that spread across her face. They had both had a long day and were eager to leave the hospital and head home. Prior to making their escape though, they had both been paged down to the Emergency Room on separate consults. It hadn't taken long and now they both stood at the counter finishing up their notes.

A short time later they gathered their belongings and turned to leave as an ambulance crew came running in the large sliding doors. They were shouting medical terms to the Emergency Room staff waiting to take orders.

"Female in her early thirties, unconscious on arrival, BP 60 over 80, blunt head trauma, exam showed previous significant trauma to her head…."

The voices trialed as they pushed the patient into one of the empty trauma rooms. Mark gave his pretty wife a boyish grin and held up a finger to her. "I'll be right back I promise."

Addison could only laugh. He was still such a little boy in so many ways. He liked seeing gory wounds and hearing stories of gruesome injuries. She shifted her Prada handbag on her shoulder and nodded. Addison watched as her husband jogged over to the trauma room, and peeked in the curtain.

Mark froze in horror. The color dropped from his face leaving it an eerie white. Addison immediately became alarmed. She had never seen her husband look so distressed. She quickly crossed the room to join her him outside the curtain where he still stood.

"Mark! What's going on?" She questioned the man who was for the first time in his life speechless.

But before he could verbalize a response, one of the nurses hurried out of the room leaving the curtain open so she could see the cause of her husbands shock.

There lying lifelessly before her on the exam room table, blood dried to the side of her head, was Meredith Grey.

Mark regained his composure and hugged his wife as she buried her face into his chest. As he led his wife away from the commotion he barked out a single demand to the nurses that huddled around, "Page the Chief, Stat!"


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N: Just so you guys know, I always grin like an idiot when I read your reviews. I am so glad you're enjoying this as much as I am. I so love your reviews and thanks to all those that take their time to submit one. Anyways I've made you wait long enough. Read and enjoy.**

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The five friends sat lazily around a circular table at Joe's. They were celebrating a rare night off. Each was equally exhausted from the long hours they worked, but they made it a habit to meet for a drink when the opportunity presented itself.

Cristina watched disgusted as Alex fed a peanut to Izzie. She turned towards George and Callie to utter a comment of revolt only to find them cuddling, whispering into each others ears. "Remind me again, why am I friends with you guys? I think I'm going to mcvomit." Cristina stood to retrieve some cash from her pocket. She threw a few bills on the counter and turned to leave when 5 pagers instantaneously went off.

Everyone stood, collecting their various belongings. "Burke's office?" Alex looked up from his pager confused.

"That's what mine says too." Izzie held out the small black pager for them to see.

"Mine too. Why would we be paged to Burke's office on our night off?" George asked puzzled.

"I don't know but it can't be good. Let's go." It was Cristina who took the lead and rushed out the door into the rainy night, her four friends following close behind.

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Alex, Izzie, George and Callie shared the long couch that sat against a white wall of the new Chief's office. Cristina sat carefully on one of the couch's hard arms as Mark and Addie stood to the side of the room, separated from the group. Everyone fidgeted nervously, waiting for Burke, who sat behind his large wooden desk, to finish his quiet conversation on his cell phone.

Not being able to handle the suspense any longer, Cristina spoke up, "Preston, what's going on?" She asked in a way that tried to sound impatient but came out scared and confused.

Burke held out his hand to silence Cristina. He hung up his phone and addressed the group of collected friends. "We're just waiting for one more person."

As if right on cue, a soft knock came from the other side of the closed office door. Burke rose from his tall leather chair and let the mystery guest in.

All 5 of the sitting doctors jumped to their feet when they recognized the visitor.

"Chief! Oh, um I mean, Doctor Webber!" George stumbled over his words. They all took turns shaking their old respected mentor's hand then returned to their respective spots on the couch. Addie and Mark hadn't moved from their corner and Cristina couldn't help but think they already knew why Burke had gathered them.

After an uneasy moment of silence, Preston cleared his throat and looked at the group of doctors, all whom he now considered practically family. They had been together for nearly six years and he knew the news he was about to share would hit each and everyone of them hard. "I think it's best that what you're about to hear comes from Richard. He was the chief when we all started working together and it just seems right that he leads us now."

The group exchanged curious glances then turned their complete attention over to the old man who stood in front of them. Dr. Webber had retired not too long into their internship, but the short time they had had the opportunity to learn under him, they had found him to be an amazing teacher.

Richard nodded at Burke and then took a deep breath. He was taking the news hard enough himself, and didn't know how he was going to be strong for this group that sat in front of him, anxiously waiting for what he had to say.

He quickly stole a glance at his long time friends who stood together in the corner. They responded with encouraging smiles, and Richard began, "At 8:42 this evening, we had a female brought in by ambulance for severe head trauma. Upon further investigation, it was discovered that this woman is suffering from an extreme case of retrograde amnesia sustained from a head trauma 5 years ago."

He paused for a moment and was met with looks of puzzlement and confusion. He thought it best not to delay what he needed to say any longer.

"The woman is Meredith Grey."

It was as though the wind had been knocked out of the room. No one spoke. Tears had threatened to spill from more than one of the office occupants, but not one sound had been uttered. Questions flew through their minds. Feelings of regret and guilt spread over their bodies.

The chief waited for the initial shock to fade then went on. "Each one of you sitting in this room right now is a _fine_ doctor." Richard's voice cracked and he had to swallow a couple of times before he could continue. "As a matter of fact, you are the _best_ doctors I have ever worked with in my entire career. You are brilliant. And, you are caring. And that's what it's going to take for us to get through this. _Together_, we will get through this. Now I know I don't need to remind any of you of the standard protocol for amnesia patients, but I'm going to anyways. Remember, she is in pain, and she is scared and frightened. _We_ all know her, but in _her_ head, we're complete strangers. The best thing for an amnesiac patient is to let them recall their memories, _on their own_, _at_ _their own pace_. That means under no circumstance shall you discuss with Meredith any of her personal affairs. For now, until we know more from her scans, you are her doctors, _not_ her friends. Is that clear?" Richard had rapidly recovered from his momentary lapse of emotion and had quickly turned into the Chief they all remembered.

"Yes sir." Came the collected reply of the group. They sat quiet for a moment more. They were still dazed and trying to process everything that was going on.

It was Izzie who finally spoke. "Uh , Chief? What about Dr. Shepherd? Has anyone told him yet?"

The chief sighed, and gestured towards Burke for him to answer the question.

"Derek is still not answering his phone or pager. If we do not hear from him by tomorrow morning, we'll send out an officer."

"The police?!" George was now the one with questions. "I mean why involve the police?"

"Standard procedure," he paused, "For when a family member is admitted to the hospital." The exhaustion now clearly showed on Burke's face.

Now Callie jumped in, confused. "I know there's a history between Meredith and Derek, but technically Chief, he's not her family."

Again Preston Burke spoke, this time taking off his glasses and rubbing the spot they had just vacated on the bridge of his nose. "Not Meredith. Approximately 20 minutes after Meredith arrived at Seattle Grace, her 4 year old daughter was admitted for malnutrition."

He waited a moment for understanding to register. When it did it was if something burst in the room. Addison turned her face into her husband's chest for the second time that night. Cristina sat stone still, fighting the wetness behind her eyes that made her want to shake. George and Callie held on to one another silently letting their tears fall. It was Izzie that sobbed the loudest, speaking out loud what was running through everyone's head. "All those years. We didn't do anything. We never tried to find her! All those years." She turned to Alex and sobbed, letting him hold her. Alex just rubbed his girlfriends back, trying his hardest to be the tough man he led everyone on to believe he was. But inside he thought he heard his heart break in two.

**A/N: Don't worry, the chapter you're all waiting for, hint: Mer/Der, is next, and I'm just doing some last minute editing and fine tuning so it WILL be up tonight!**


	12. Chapter 12

Derek sat sluggishly on an old rusted lawn chair. His eyes blurred from staring out across the water for hours. He mindlessly reached for his fishing rod and slowly began to reel it in. The blasted fish had gotten away with his bait once again. Normally Derek would have been fed up and resorted to a more complicated system of bait, but today he didn't care. He hadn't cared yesterday either and come to think about it, not the day before. He reached in his small pail and scraped together the last of his homemade bait. He had run out of worms days ago and crickets before that. He had had to resort to an old fish bait recipe his grandfather had taught him years ago when he was just a young boy. It was a delicate mixture of Big Red, the soda pop, and mashed cornflakes. It looked odd, and smelled even worse, but it worked. He frowned realizing that this would probably be his last cast for the day, even though the sun had just begun to peak above the horizon only minutes ago.

He cast his line out far, waiting for the small plunk it made as it plunged in the water and settled towards the bottom, waiting for its prey. He leaned back in his chair, resuming the position he had been in for the last two weeks. He felt relaxed when he fished, he didn't let his mind wander, keeping it on the water, his pole, and the bait. It was just easier this way. It didn't hurt as much.

Maybe thirty minutes later, Derek wasn't sure, he'd lost track of time days ago, he heard the crunch of rubber tires over gravel, alerting him he had company. He soon was able to make out the shape of a State Trooper's SUV slowly pulling up his driveway.

Derek thought it odd and slowly put down his fishing rod and stood up. He tried unsuccessfully to brush off some dried bait that stuck to his dirty jeans, and smooth out his wrinkled flannel shirt. He could only guess what a sight he made. He hadn't changed his clothes in 3 days and hadn't showered in more than that. He could only imagine the bags that lay under his red rimmed eyes and the thick, heavy dark whiskers that now covered the lower part of his face.

He met the officer by his vehicle as the old man hopped out.

"What brings you out to this neck of the woods officer?" Derek asked, trying his hardest to be pleasant.

"You Derek Shepherd?" The grey haired man with small eyes and a thick gray mustache asked the dirty fisherman.

Derek just nodded. He searched his mind as to what this visit could be about. He knew he had paid his parking ticket he'd gotten last month when he had parked in a red zone outside the hospital. What had he done now?

"Apparently your presence is requested at Seattle Grace, doctor." The police officer smiled, letting Derek know he wasn't in trouble.

"Aaha." Derek nodded knowingly. "So two weeks and they already can't function without me?" He tried to keep it the conversation easy and light. He was doing his best pretending that he was a normal, regular guy, who had just taken some time off to fish. Not the broken, bleak man, who didn't have a thing in this world to live for.

The gray haired officer let out a deep chuckle. "I didn't get specifics, doctor. Just an order to bring you back to Seattle Grace was all really."

Derek thought for a moment. He figured it would be a bad idea showing back up at work all grungy and soiled. He'd probably loose his job for sure this time. "Do you think I could drive myself, or are you going to use those on me?" Derek asked pointing to the pair of handcuffs that hung from the officer's belt.

This time the police man let out a booming laugh showing he had a great sense of humor. "No no. I think I can trust you to follow orders. Besides," he gave the filthy doctor a once over, "You could use a moment or two to get yourself cleaned up."

The two men shook hands and the officer turned to leave. "Don't make me come back out here doctor. I _will_ use the handcuffs next time."

"Yes sir, Officer." Derek tried to give a smile but it felt phony. He held his hand up in a wave and watched the SUV back down the dirt path and off his property. Derek sighed defeated and headed towards his trailer. He figured it was time. He couldn't avoid the world forever. He'd eventually have to face the people of Seattle Grace and he thought he might as well get it over with.

With one last forlorn glance at the beautiful lake and his deserted fishing equipment, he opened the door of his trailer and walked in to get cleaned up, letting the door slam behind him.

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Derek sat behind the wheel of his old jeep, debating whether or not he should get out. After returning inside to his trailer, he had quickly showered and dressed, not bothering to shave, and driven the familiar route to Seattle Grace. He only had to search a moment before finding a parking space, turning in and shutting off his car. He had been sitting in silence for over 10 minutes, still trying to talk himself into going in.

He took a deep breath and shoved the door open. There was no use prolonging the inevitable. He crossed the parking lot in long even strides staring straight ahead. As he reached the main entrance of the hospital he noticed the old security guard, Gus, standing by the doors. Derek nodded towards the old man just as he did every time he entered the hospital, but this time Gus responded to the doctor.

"Congratulations Doc. I hope everything turns out well." He gave Derek a lopsided grin and gave him two thumbs up signs.

Derek just nodded. That Gus sure was a strange guy. He had no idea what he was talking about.

As he passed the General Information desk in the front lobby, he noticed the two elderly volunteers smiling at him. He couldn't help but take a quick look behind him to see what they were smiling at.

"Congratulations doctor, it really is a miracle." There was no mistaking that the kind lady was speaking to him.

Derek just grunted a response and kept walking. Seattle Grace sure was a strange place. He had anticipated, even expected, whispers and stares. But he hadn't predicted this. Why all of a sudden did people think they could talk to him? Smile at him? It wasn't just at the entrance of the hospital but everywhere he went. Happy people, looking at him like he should be happy. He was not happy, and had decided to never be happy again in his entire life. He was miserable and planned to stay that way till the day he died.

He was making his way to the elevator when a familiar nurse passed him in the hall. "Congratulations Dr. Shepherd. I heard the news."

Derek couldn't take it any more. He grabbed the nurse by the arm, and snapped at her. "What in the world is everyone so damn happy about?!"

Olivia's eyes widened in fright. She desperately glanced around looking for a way out of her predicament. Not finding one, she looked back at the doctor and searched for something to say.

"I'm… I'm sorry Doctor. It's just that I'd thought you'd be happy. I .. I didn't know…." Olivia's voice trailed off seeing she wasn't doing anything to relieve the anger in the enraged doctor's eyes.

"Happy!? About what?" Derek scoffed, finally releasing the hold he had on the red headed nurse's arm.

"Meredith, sir."

Derek's blue eyes turned dark with hate. He felt his body shake in fury. He couldn't believe what he was hearing. "How can you be so cruel? Just because she's dead you think I would feel what? Relieved?" His voice was barely a whisper and he spat the words out in disgust.

Olivia's face changed from fearful panic into understanding shock. "You haven't heard, have you Doctor Shepherd?"

Derek was done with this infuriating conversation that was getting him no where and turned to leave.

"She's alive Doctor." Olivia said it softly, barely loud enough for him to hear.

Derek froze, all the blood draining from his face. "What did you just say?" He spoke slowly and clearly, terrified he had heard her wrong.

"Meredith's alive. She was brought in last night. I think it was for head trauma or something. I'm not sure. I did hear that she has an extreme case of amnesia, has had it for nearly five years….."

Olivia's voice trailed off. Derek was no longer aware of anything but the beating in his chest. His heart pounded louder and harder then he thought capable. Meredith? Alive? _His_ Meredith?

His legs began to move and they quickly turned into a run. "Where is she?!" He yelled to the large group of spectators that stopped to watch the commotion. He barely heard someone shout back ICU as he turned to the stare well, not bothering with the elevator. He took the stairs two at a time, willing his legs to move faster. It was like dream and he was moving in slow motion. It was a glorious fantasy and he prayed that he would never wake.

He had to remind himself to breath as he reached the third floor and threw the heavy metal door open. "Where is she!?" He screamed to anyone that would listen. He couldn't get to her fast enough. He started searching the floor opening doors and peaking into curtains. Tears fell freely down his face and his hands shook in desperation. "Meredith! Meredith?" He called out longing for her response.

Derek turned a corner and practically ran into two large men who stood before him blocking his path. He looked into the sympathetic faces of his old chief, and his new chief. "Where is she? Where's Meredith?" Derek demanded not being ashamed of the tears that stained his face.

"Derek, let's talk first, you're obviously upset and in no condition to see her…" Richard Webber tried to reason with his old student.

"Tell me where she is." Was all Derek could say. He didn't want to talk. He didn't want to calm down. All he wanted was Meredith.

"Shepherd, you have to realize the ordeal that she's been through. She is suffering from retrograde amnesia sustained from a head injury five years ago. You can't just go charging in there like Prince Charming and sweep her away. You have to follow standard protocol. _You_, above all others, know how important that is." It was Burkes turn to be the voice of reason.

Derek grew frustrated, he knew all this already. "Please." this time he whispered. A new set of tears formed in his eyes and escaped down his cheeks, disappearing in his rough stubble. His lips trembled and now he was begging, "Where is she?"

The past and present surgical chiefs exchanged glances and then stepped aside. Burke handed Derek his lab coat and helped him put it on. Richard pointed to a room on the right and Derek slowly began to walk towards it. He heard Dr. Webber gently remind him, "Remember, standard protocol. You are only her doctor right now." But Derek didn't pay any attention. He paused a moment at the door, before turning the silver knob, to regain his composure. Before he entered he heard Burke speak up once more. "Shepherd when you're finished in there, I'd like to go over her charts with you, and…." Preston paused a moment, choosing his words carefully, "We have another matter to discuss."

Derek nodded, half listening, and slowly turned the knob on the heavy wooden door. He quietly opened the door and stepped inside. He gently pushed the door shut behind him and only took a few steps in before leaning one shoulder against the wall. His heart swelled as he stared at the small form lying on the large hospital bed. She was hooked up to various machines that occasionally interrupted the silence with a quick beep. Her soft hair was spread across the pillow that her beautiful head rested on. He took it all in. Her delicate features, her graceful manner. Her eyes rested, peacefully closed, and he took the moment to remember just how much he loved this woman before him. How, without her, his life wasn't worth living. It took every ounce of strength inside him to not run over to her side and gather her in his arms and hold her close to him. He resisted the heavy urge to not bend down over her and kiss her soft lips, reminding himself of how she tasted.

He squeezed his eyes shut and took a deep breath. He could do this. He could be professional. He was startled when he reopened his eyes and met a pair of blue gray eyes staring back. His heart caught in his throat, almost forgetting how beautiful she was.

They stared at each other for a long time. He could feel her electricity charge his tired body and bring back life to a once hopeless man.

It was Meredith who finally spoke, shattering the moment. "_You're_ Doctor Shepherd?" She asked incredulously reading his name tag.

Derek couldn't help laughing. He knew he probably didn't look like a world renowned brain surgeon at that moment and couldn't blame her for being shocked by the two week long stubble and red, watery eyes.

"How are you feeling?" Was all he could say.

Meredith put a hand to her head and rubbed it. "I'm still kinda sore. And my head's a little fuzzy."

Derek crossed the room closing the gap between him and the woman he loved. Instead of taking a chair that was positioned nearby, he opted for the side of her bed, sitting dangerously close to her. He reached in to his lab coat pocket and found his light. With one hand he clicked it on, and with the other he gently touched the side of her face. He pretended that the mere touch of her soft skin didn't send shivers down his body and make him go weak in the knees. He used the light to test the responsiveness of her pupils then put it back in his pocket and had her follow his finger with her eyes, not once moving his hand from the spot it rested on her cheek. Satisfied with what he saw, he reluctantly slowly moved his hand away. He tipped his head to the side and smiled his dreamy smile; one he thought had been lost forever.

She smiled back for a moment, then looked away blushing.

"Can I get anything for you?" Derek asked softly.

"I thought that was what nurses are for?" Meredith raised her brows.

"Maybe. But I do want you to know that I am here if you need anything. Anything at all, just ask me okay?" He tilted his head and smiled down at her once again. He wanted so bad to elaborate and tell her that he was going to be there for her for the rest of her life. She would never be alone again.

Meredith returned his smile for a moment, almost letting herself get lost in his dancing blue eyes.

Suddenly Meredith's mouth flew open and her eyes registered shock. "Oh my gosh! Hanna, I almost forgot about Hanna! Where is she? Is she okay?"

Derek frowned, confused. He didn't know who she was talking about. "It's okay Mer, calm down. Who's Hanna?"

In her panicked state she almost didn't notice how natural it was for him to call her Mer. She quickly pushed the thought away, still upset, "My daughter, Hanna, do you know where she is?" She sat up and started fidgeting with IV.

Derek was still confused and began to worry that maybe she was having a delusional moment as a result from the recent head injury.

He spoke slowly and reassuring to her, "Meredith, you don't have a daughter. Lay back and relax. You need to calm down."

She groaned, frustrated that the doctor wouldn't listen. This time it was her turn to speak slowly so he would understand. "Dr. Shepherd. I have a four and a half year old daughter named Hanna. My friend Alice brought her here for me. Do you know where she is?" She finished and watched the doctor expectantly.

It only took a moment for realization to dawn on the smart doctor. His heart began to beat wildly once again and he felt a cold sweat form on his brow. This couldn't be happening. There was no way that he had a daughter that he didn't know about for four years. There was no way that he had been cheated of four years of a beautiful family that he didn't know existed. He slowly stood from the bed and tried to stay calm for Meredith's sake. He told her he'd try to find out where Hanna was and quickly stepped out of the room. When at last he was free from Meredith's view he exhaled and let the pain engulf him. He slumped down against the wall and cried. He was surprised to find he had tears left, and let himself cry, sobs shaking his body.

This was all his fault. If only he'd gone after her in the first place. If only he'd swallowed his pride and had searched for her earlier. If only he'd been completely honest about Addison in the beginning. His list went on. There was only one person to blame for all the pain he was feeling inside.

What had he done?


	13. Chapter 13

**A/N: I am so sorry for the lack of update yesterday, it was just one of those days. I hope this makes up for it. I personally really like this chapter and am very eager to hear what you think. Please let me know and hit that review button! Thanks as always.**

* * *

Derek didn't know how long he had let himself stay sitting on the floor in the hallway outside Meredith's room. After sobbing until his body had nothing left to give, he had quietly picked himself off the cold floor and found a chair not too far away. He then sat back down and just stared straight ahead, trying to figure out how he was going to get through this.

His thoughts were interrupted by the clicking of expensive heels on the sterile hard ground. He shifted his tired eyes to the approaching woman and was met with compassionate green ones. Addison took the empty seat next to her ex husband and stayed quiet, letting him take the lead.

Derek let out a frustrated sigh and sat up, running both hands through his disheveled hair. He turned towards Addison and shook his head. "It's… It's almost surreal. Meredith's _alive_. She's been alone and scared not knowing who she was. Thinking she didn't have anyone in this world who cared about her, who _loved _her." He shook his head again, almost not believing it all himself. Derek went on, his voice shaky now, "All these years. All this time, I thought_ I_ was the victim. When the only victim has been Meredith and…."

His voice cracked and he had to swallow a few times before he could go on. "Did you know I have a daughter? _Meredith and I_ have a daughter." He corrected himself. Derek had a far away look in his eyes. The sorrow had been replaced with wonder and awe. He looked back at Addison. "Her name is Hanna." He smiled a small smile, the reality still hard to believe.

Addison smiled and nodded back at her ex-husband. It was so good to see him smile. "Yes, Derek I know. She's absolutely beautiful." Addison felt her heart quicken. Children were something that Derek had always dreamt of, but something Addison had never been willing to give.

Derek's eyes brightened in surprise. "You've seen her?"

Before Addison could answer, Burke walked up and interrupted the two good friends. "Shepherd, we really need to discuss that other matter I mentioned."

Derek looked back at Preston and shook his head disbelief. "Yes Burke, I would say so. A tiny piece of information like, _I have a daughter_ might have been helpful with the whole stay professional act everyone is so determined to keep." Derek spoke sarcastically, but they all knew his anger wasn't with anyone but himself.

"So you know." Was the only reply Burke could think of.

"I know." Derek echoed.

The dark that had returned to Derek's eyes quickly disappeared and was replaced with a faint flicker of light. "Where is she?" He looked up into both Addison and Burke's face. He suddenly looked a little younger than he had in months, a new expression of hopefulness resting on his features.

Addison and Preston exchanged a glance that Derek couldn't read.

"What? What is it?" Derek was suddenly worried again.

Preston sat on the other side of Derek, opposite Addison. He took off his glasses and rubbed the bridge of his nose, something he found himself doing a lot lately. "Derek" he started slowly, "Hanna was admitted last night to the Pediatric Ward for malnourishment." Preston paused and waited to see how the fragile man would take the news.

Derek rocked back and tears stung his eyes. He shook his head and thought it crazy. He had only learned he was a father minutes ago and here he was, worried out of his mind for his little girl. His heart ached and he vowed he would do everything in his power to take care of her. To protect her. To make sure no one would ever hurt his innocent child. Paternal feelings flowed through his mind and body that he didn't know he had.

He just nodded at Burke and asked, "Can I see her?"

"Of course, of course. I just wanted to warn you about her condition and also, Derek, there's something else." Burke thought it best if he warned Derek first.

Alarm immediately registered in Derek's eyes but before he could speak Burke put up his hands, "No no. It's nothing to be worried about. It's just that Hanna is _extremely_ shy. The doctors are having a hard time because she is so scared and frightened. They haven't been able to get her to be responsive towards them. She cries when anyone tries to touch her and squeezes her eyes shut when we talk to her. She'll be fine, Derek. She just needs some time. I just don't want you to be discouraged is all. I guess what _everyone_ needs around here is time."

With that Derek nodded and stood. "Where is she?"

"I'll take you Derek, come on." It was Addison that spoke as she stood from her spot on the chair and led the way.

The chief called out a good luck and then turned the opposite way, busy with the duty of making sure the surgical floor ran smoothly.

* * *

Addison had led Derek to the Pediatric Wing of Seattle Grace and pointed out Hanna's small room, before hurrying on with her own work she had to tend to. Derek paused outside the opened door, not letting himself be seen. He listened and recognized Izzie's voice along with another Pediatrician and a few nurses.

"Thank you for coming Dr. Stevens. I know you're surgical and this is outside of your normal responsibilities, but someone mentioned you know her mother and we thought maybe, as a personal favor, you could help us." It was the pediatrician on call talking to Izzie. She went on, "It's just that we need to take another blood sample from Hanna but she's too upset and won't sit still. The sedative we gave her last night has worn off and I would just like to avoid giving her another one, if possible. I've tried, and so have the nurses, to no avail. Maybe you could try?"

Derek listened closer, still avoiding being noticed. He heard Izzie cross the room closer to Hanna and immediately the little girl began crying.

Izzie tried her best to comfort the frightened child. "Hanna, it's okay. Can you open your eyes? My name is Izzie, I'm a friend of your mommies. Can I touch your arm for a second? Hold still sweetie…."

"Mommy. Mama. Mama!"

The tiny voice sounded terrified and Derek couldn't take it any longer. He stepped the rest of the way into the room and let out a gasp as his heart jumped into his throat. He let his eyes drink in the sight of his beautiful daughter, so tiny, sitting on the large hospital bed. His eyes swept the room, appraising the situation. Izzie was bent over the bed, desperately struggling with Hanna, who had just pulled the blankets over head in an attempt to shut out the strangers. The other pediatrician and nurses stood to the side of the room, helpless.

Izzie let out a small gasp of shock as she turned towards Derek. She immediately abandoned her efforts and took a few steps back from Hanna, curious to what Derek would do. The other ladies in the room just watched in silence, confused to why the hot shot Neurosurgeon had entered the room.

Derek could hear Hanna whimpering softly under the blankets and slowly walked towards her. "Hanna?" His voice was so soft and tender, Izzie nearly didn't recognize it. "Hanna?" He said it a little louder now, but just as gentle. The little girl under the sheets stopped wiggling and her breathing steadied. Derek finished crossing the room and now sat carefully on the side of her bed. "Hanna" He said it one more time and this time, ever so slowly, the blanket was lowered down.

He could have been looking in a mirror. Her teary blue eyes matched his and their tousled dark curls were the same. He couldn't help but smile at her perfect nose she had undoubtedly inherited from her mother along with her perfect tiny mouth and determined jaw. She looked up at him and he felt himself fall in love all over again.

The tension in the room was thick. Everyone held their breath as they wondered how this shy and timid child would respond to the large husky man.

His heart was beating like crazy feeling the intense love and compassion he had for his daughter he never knew. He tried unsuccessfully to swallow the large lump that had formed in his throat and his voice came out soft and affectionately. "Hi Hanna." He didn't know what else to say. He wanted to tell her that he was her Daddy. That he loved her so much and was so sorry that he hadn't been there for her. For her and her mommy. But that he was there now and he would never let anything bad happen to her ever again. He wanted to say it all but all he could say was hi.

He watched, as his daughter's facial features had changed from fear, to uncertainty. He didn't move, not wanting to break their stare and interrupt the moment.

Then suddenly out of nowhere Hanna lurched forward and into the arms of Derek Shepherd. He wrapped his strong arms around her tiny body and let her bury her face into his chest. He lowered his head into her hair and breathed in the little girl scent. He let his tears fall freely into the mess of curls and rocked her back and forth softly whispering words of comfort and love into her small ear. They sat there; holding on to each other for dear life, forgetting there was anyone else in the room. Any one else in the world.

The other occupants of the room, that had witnessed the incredible turn of events, couldn't speak. Izzie, tears streaming down her face, silently motioned for everyone to leave. It wasn't right for anyone to interrupt the intimate moment Derek was having. They tiptoed out of the room and Izzie stole one last glance towards the man who had been saved by a little girl.


	14. Chapter 14

**A/N: Thank you so much for the awesome reviews, they really put the pressure on. I love it. I even appreciate the criticism, helps me grow as a writer. ANYWAYS This chapter isn't the greatest. Kind of a filler I guess, but I needed to say stuff to help set up something that's coming soonish. That might not have made much since, but I guess I'm just trying to say "Stay Tuned" Read and review and I promise some better stuff this weekend. Not exactly sure when but for sure this weekend. Have a good night!**

* * *

"Have you seen Dr. Shepherd?" It was Dr. Hemming who drew Cristina out of her thoughts. She looked up at the attending who Burke had assigned to Meredith's case.

Everyone had agreed that Derek was too personally involved to be Meredith's direct physician, so Derek had opted to shadow the case. He had made it loud and clear that under no circumstances was any decision, no matter how small, made without passing it by him first. No one had put up an argument, all understanding that Shepherd was the best in the field after all, personal ties or not.

"Pediatrics." Was all Cristina said turning back to the chart she was reading. She wanted to roll her eyes and ask him _where else_ had Shepherd been the last few days. Instead she swallowed her sarcasm reminding herself of Burke's repeated warnings to speak respectfully to the other doctors in the hospital.

But still, Cristina couldn't help shaking her head. You had to be living under a rock to not see what was going on. The only time Derek left Hanna's room was to check on Meredith and his team of doctors he had working on her.

Derek had been hopeful after looking over the scans and films of Meredith's brain. It looked like things had almost healed completely from her first head injury over five years ago. There was only a small fuzzy section to the right of her temporal lobe that he believed to be old blood that had yet to resolve itself. When Meredith had hit her head for the second time on the bathroom sink at the shelter, she had knocked some of it free, aggravating the healing wound, and causing her to loose consciousness. Everything had seemed to stable itself and Derek was optimistic that, with a little rest and peace and quiet, her brain would completely heal itself and her memory would come back. He wanted to avoid surgery at all costs, knowing that it could make the memory loss more severe, or even worse, permanent.

Cristina, along with her friends, had been amazed at the complete transformation of Dr. Shepherd. His eyes had gone from dark to light overnight and he actually whistled in the hallways now. Cristina found him to be a little too cheerful for her likes, but still had to admit how great he had been for Hanna. Her condition had made a complete turnaround in the few days she had been at Seattle Grace. She was already off her IV and the doctors had been hopeful that only a week or so more her iron levels would be normal and she could possibly be discharged. All credit had been given to none other than Derek. Of course that had raised a lot of suspicions and again the hospital's rumor mill was now in full swing.

The chief had ordered complete silence and secrecy surrounding Meredith and Hanna. Only their close family of doctors and those who were employed at Seattle Grace when Meredith had been there 5 years ago, knew the truth of who she actually was and what Derek had been to her. There were really only a handful of nurses and doctors, and a few hospital personnel employees, who remembered Meredith and they had been loyal enough to keep their mouths shut. Not only did Burke not want this to leak to the media, who would have a field day with it, he knew Meredith's state of mind was fragile and finding out too much could send her over the edge. So everyone dutifully obeyed their orders keeping their mouths shut while the whispers and speculation spread like a wild fire of who the mysterious VIP patients were and how Derek might play a part in it all.

Cristina glanced at her watch and decided she should grab something to eat before she scrubbed in to her appendectomy in a few hours. She slammed her chart closed and put it back in the file, then turned and headed down the hall.

* * *

Cristina paused outside of Meredith's room and listened to the laughter coming from inside. She pushed the door opened and saw Izzie and Alex sitting relaxed on a couple of chairs sharing a bag of chips. Cristina couldn't help but chuckle. So much for professionalism. She crossed the room and plopped herself down on the only remaining chair in the room and unwrapped the sandwich she had just purchased downstairs in the cafeteria. She took a large bite and didn't bother to finish chewing before she asked, "What's so funny?"

All three burst out in another round of laughter to which Cristina just rolled her eyes.

It was finally Meredith who spoke. "So that really sucks that the cafeteria is under construction. How long do you think the renovation will take?"

Cristina coughed, choking on the piece of sandwich she had just bitten off. She glared over at Izzie and Alex who could only shrug back.

"Um," Izzie glanced at Cristina, "Meredith was just asking why it was we always ate in her room and I explained… about the um…. construction in the cafeteria." Izzie shrugged again at Cristina and gave her a _you come up with something better_ look.

Cristina caught on and nodded at Meredith. "Ya, um, big renovation, it will probably take weeks." She spoke quickly then changed the subject to Alex, "So you ready for your first solo rhinoplasty. You must be freaking out. I mean dude she's the senator's wife, if you screw up…" Cristina shook her head and laughed. "Glad I'm not in your shoes right now."

Alex gave her a dirty look. "Shut up."

The three girls couldn't hold it in anymore and laughter erupted once again in the room.

Meredith regained her composure. "You guys are sure lucky to have each another. I can't imagine what it'd be like to have such good friends."

An awkward silence filled the room as Cristina, Izzie, and Alex all searched for something to say. The silence was shattered by the welcoming sound of a beeping pager.

"It's me." Alex grabbed his pager and jumped up. "I gotta run." He turned to Izzie and gave her a quick kiss, "See you later babe." He hurried out of the room and down the hall.

Meredith watched it all smiling. "You two really make a sweet couple. How long have you been together?"

Izzie blushed a little. "Actually it will be three years this fall. Alex really is a great guy. He's been unbelievably understanding and supportive through everything. He was so patient with me. I mean I was such a mess after the whole Denny thing and then you leaving and I didn't know if I'd ever be normal again…" Izzie froze realizing what she had just said. She looked over to Cristina whose eyes were wide and face was pale. She slowly turned to Meredith, hoping she hadn't heard her.

Meredith sat with a puzzled look on her face. "Who left?"

Izzie and Cristina sat immobilized, neither knowing how to fix it. At the same moment the door opened and a stumbling George walked in.

"George!" The two girls yelled in unison, jumping up from their chairs. They ran over to him and each grabbed an arm, pulling him further into the room.

George looked at Izzie and Cristina wearily. They were never _that_ excited to see him and he knew something was up.

"Why don't you tell Meredith about how Callie surprised you with the news that you were going to be a father!" Izzie cheered excitedly, quickly giving George an evil warning with her eyes that he better not argue with her.

"Yes, yes! Great idea George. I just _love_ that story." Cristina lied for Meredith's sake. "It makes me feel all warm inside." She lowered her voice and spoke in Izzie's ear, "Like I'm going to _vomit_."

George gave them both a dirty look then turned to Meredith, "Um, Okaaaay…"

Meredith just smiled back at the nervous doctor, clearly clueless to what was going on. Izzie and Cristina let out a sigh of relief, waved farewell to Meredith, and both turned and quickly left the room.


	15. Chapter 15

**A/N: Before I start, a big thank you to Nfinchamscheff, I definately noticed a lot of new readers recently and hear credits to be given to you. A lot of the names are familiar even, (I've been a stalker of the ABC boards, forever) so it's great to see them over here. Again, Thank you all for the great reviews. You are all so wonderful.**

**Here is a little bit of Derek and Hanna together so you can see the bond they've developed. I guess it's kind of weird that Hanna hasn't been able to see her mom yet, but Meredith's condition is still a little questionable that they haven't let her out of bed and even though Hanna's doing good, they haven't let her out of the pediatric wing. That's changing soon though. Next chapter is definately MerDer interaction, and then Mer with her daughter. I promise that by tonight or at the latest early tomorrow. (If it was up to me I'd spend all day sitting here, getting the updates up but I have so much to do today.) Anyways, Read enjoy review. I do realize this is a little on the shortish side, like the last, but I promise the next are better.**

**Oh and FYI sphygmomanometer is an instrument used to measure blood pressure in an artery. I didn't make it up! I looked it up.**

* * *

"Excuse me, Dr. Shepherd?"

Derek's blissful sleep was interrupted by a soft, nervous voice. He opened his heavy eyelids and tried to remember where he was. He immediately smiled, feeling the weight of his sleeping daughter on his chest. Her soft curls tickled his neck as she slept peacefully, her tiny arms wrapped tightly around him. It was the same position they had slept in for the last six nights. Derek sat up slowly, careful not to wake the sleeping girl.

"Sorry. I just need to take her vitals real quick Doctor." The young nurse who had woke him spoke anxiously. She had heard rumors of how unpleasant this doctor could be, and the pediatric nurses on call that night had drawn straws to see who would have to interrupt his sleep to take Hanna's routine vitals. Unfortunately she had lost.

The doctor just nodded and shifted Hanna's sleeping body ever so slightly so the nurse could take her temperature and check her blood pressure. Derek laughed to himself at how nervous the nurse seemed to be, her hands shaking so bad she could barely get the

sphygmomanometer's cuff around Hanna's tiny arm. The nurse quickly finished her task and apologized again before wheeling her cart out of the room.

Derek settled back down and closed his eyes. Hanna stirred a little on his chest and when he opened his eyes she was staring up at him. "Where's Mama?" Her tired voice was sad and he noticed her bottom lip tremble ever so slightly.

Derek sighed. They repeated this routine every night and several times during the day. The small little girl still didn't understand what was going on and even though she had immediately clinged on to him, she still missed her mom. Derek wrapped his arms around her protectively and kissed her forehead.

"It's okay sweetie. Mommy's still sick. But she's getting better just like you. You keep eating your food all gone and we'll go visit mommy soon. Okay?" Derek looked down in his daughters eyes to see if she understood.

"Okay." She nodded a tired nod and let her eyes fall shut again. He watched the precious girl until his eyes grew heavy and he gave in and let them close. He balanced on the edge of sleep until he heard Hanna whisper two little words that jerked him wide awake.

"G'night Daddy."

Derek felt his heart pound fiercely in his chest. Tears snuck out the side of his eyes and fell quickly to the white pillow his head rested on. She'd never called him that before. She usually referred to him as _Doctor Derek. _They hadn't really talked about it together, and everyone was extremely careful of what they said in front of Hanna.

He had to admit that this little girl was a lot brighter anyone had previously given her credit for. He shifted his sleeping daughter a little higher on his chest and buried his face in her hair. Daddy. He was a Daddy.

"Goodnight Baby. Daddy loves you." He whispered softly in her ear and fell into a content, peaceful sleep.

* * *

The next morning was a bright and sunny one. A rare occurrence in Seattle, and Derek took the opportunity to brighten Hanna's mood. He opened the blinds in her dim hospital room and they had sat at the window all morning while Derek pointed out various sights, including the ferry boats they could barely see in the distant harbor. He got a kick out of her excitement for the boats and knew there was no denying she belonged to him.

"Again! Tell me more!" Hanna bounced excitedly on his lap. They were still looking out the window but now Derek was telling her silly stories about her mom. She was shrieking in laughter and clapping her hands in joy.

The unexpected noise caused a few heads to pop in the room making sure everything was okay. When they saw what was causing the commotion they would smile and go about their business. The last head to pop in was a familiar one.

"Ah, Dr. Stevens! Come in." Derek smiled at his old friend and motioned for her to join them.

Izzie crossed the room and found a chair next to the cheerful duo. She smiled down at the tiny girl, "Good morning Hanna."

Hanna wrapped her arms around Derek's neck, but didn't hide her face. She eyed their visitor cautiously.

Derek spoke gently to his daughter. "Hanna. You remember my friend, Izzie. She's a doctor like me and she helps little kids."

Hanna didn't speak but she relaxed the grip she had on Derek's neck.

"Guess what Hanna? I just talked to your doctor and she said you are doing so good and getting so strong, that if you'd like, you can go see your mommy today."

Hanna finally turned completely to face Izzie her eyes shining. "Okay." She said shyly but was grinning from ear to ear.

"How about that Hanna?" Derek turned her to face him. "Why don't you let Izzie take you? I have some patients I need to check on and then we'll meet back for lunch?"

Doubt shadowed the shy girls face. She didn't like to leave Derek's side and didn't like the idea of going somewhere with this stranger, as pretty and nice as she seemed.

"I'll tell you what Princess. You be brave for me and I'll sneak you in some strawberry ice cream." Derek wiggled his eyebrows and Hanna couldn't help but giggle.

"Okay." She said softly.

"Okay." Derek echoed. He set her gently on the floor and stood up. "Why don't you go color in one of your books while I talk to Dr. Stevens for a minute? Remember, I'll be back for lunch. And this time you better not eat all your french fries before I get here."

Hanna only giggled again and nodded, her curls bouncing around her face.

Derek motioned for Izzie to follow him out into the hall and once out of Hanna's earshot Izzie started, "Are you sure _you_ don't want to take her to see Meredith? I mean… it just seems like_ you_ should…"

Derek shook his head quickly and sighed. "No I don't think it would be a good idea. We haven't told Meredith that I've even been down here with Hanna. It would just be too hard to explain…. It's better if you take her Izzie." Derek looked sad but Izzie immediately understood.

"Okay, no problem. Just let me know when would be a good time and I'll bring her down."

Derek nodded. "I have to go up there and check on a few things. I'll page you when she's ready." He thanked Izzie once more and then hurried towards the elevator, eager to finish his work so he wouldn't be late for his lunch date.


	16. Chapter 16

**A/N: Okay, FINALLY some Mer/Der. You guys were extremely patient and have been so awesome with the reviews. I'm going to put the Hanna/ Mer chapter seperately which will be up tomorrow evening. You guys are very quick to think, _What if Hanna says something about "daddy" to Meredith?_ You'll have to wait till tomorrow to see what happens! Thanks again! I really do love you all.**

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Meredith yawned as she carelessly jammed buttons on the remote. There was no use. She had discovered days ago that she just didn't like TV. It didn't matter how many times she flipped through the channels, there would be nothing that could hold her attention for longer than a minute.

She had added that little fact to her growing list of things she knew about herself. The list wasn't long, in fact, it only held three or four bits of information Meredith had concluded from the short time she'd been at Seattle Grace.

She sighed as she clicked off the TV and tossed the remote on the meal tray that sat to the side of her bed. She looked around her quiet, sterile room, and couldn't believe how at home she felt. She had only been here for six days, but she oddly felt she'd known this place forever. She had yet to push aside that strange notion, like she did so many others, and contemplated it often. She knew many of her unanswered questions lay within the walls of Seattle Grace. If she could just figure out why that was. It rested in the spot of her memory that, no matter how hard she tried, she just couldn't reach. Lost inside her dark mind that she was determined to wake.

Meredith grew uneasy in the quiet of her isolated room and wished someone would come visit her. She enjoyed the company of the younger doctors that frequently visited her room. She was more clever then they suspected though, and she knew it wasn't as normal as they led on that they were constantly sharing lunch hours with her or stopping in late at night just to chat. It was another piece to her unsolved puzzle that she resolved to complete. Yet in the mean time she valued their company, especially in the absence of her daughter. She missed Hanna more then she could have ever imagined and worried about her all day even though she was constantly given updates. Even every once in a while someone would bring Meredith the most recent picture Hanna had colored for her. She had been told repeatedly how good Hanna was doing, but she knew how extremely shy Hanna was towards people she didn't know, and couldn't help but worry.

Meredith absentmindedly scratched at the tape that surrounded her IV and glanced at the clock. Her heart jumped and the butterflies started moving around inside her stomach. It was half after ten and that meant Dr. Shepherd would soon be in to check on her. Her eyes immediately went to the small hand mirror that rested on the side table that she had borrowed from Izzie.

She forced her eyes away and scolded herself for acting so foolish. There was no denying that Dr. Shepherd, or Derek, as he had asked her to call him, was the most good looking man she had ever seen. She thought that when he looked at her with his captivating eyes, he could see down into her soul to the secrets that she herself didn't know. She could quickly become lost in his gaze and on more than one occasion had to remind herself to breathe. But it was irrational to form a crush on such a man. Derek was out of her league. He was a brain surgeon after all, and she was a lost, single mother, wandering this world in confusion.

As if on cue, there came a soft knock at the door. Meredith took a breath and sat up in her bed, letting her hands smooth her hair behind her ears. The door opened slowly and Derek Shepherd stepped in. Meredith couldn't help but let her eyes sweep over his body. She felt an unexplainable shiver run down her spine and raised her eyes to meet his stare. She instantly blushed and quickly turned away, busying her self with the IV tape once again.

She heard the Doctor chuckle as he crossed the room and sat on the side of her bed. _Why does he have to do that? _She thought. Her other doctors, like Dr. Hemming, stood at the foot of her bed when they talked to her like they were suppose to. Not Derek. He got close. Too close. Close enough that she could smell him. Close enough to get lost in the intoxicating aroma. It wasn't really cologne she had decided one night, laying awake thinking of him. It was a mixture of detergent, soap, and just plain manliness. She shook her head reprimanding herself again for letting her mind wander.

"What?" Derek interrupted her thoughts and when she finally looked up she saw he had an amused expression on his face.

"Nothing." She shook her head again and regained her composure. He was just another doctor. He was only here for a quick check on her progress.

He stared at her for a minute before beginning his routine questions they went through every morning. "How are you feeling today?"

"Fine." Meredith said quickly not wanting to elaborate.

Derek waited for a moment and when he saw she wasn't going to continue, he went on.

"And how does your head feel?"

"Fine." She repeated again. She wasn't really mad at him, she was mad at the way he made her feel. But she decided to take her frustration out on him anyway.

Derek furrowed his brows and searched Meredith's face. He obviously had no clue why she was in a foul mood but decided to continue cautiously.

"Um, Okay. Have you had any more memories?" He asked carefully then quickly glanced to the doorway making sure no one was listening before adding, "Anything else, like maybe _why_ you were on the ferry before the accident or _where_ you were you were headed?" He knew he was stepping over the lines of the set protocol but didn't care.

"No." She lied. She had recalled bits and pieces of various memories. She hadn't been able to glue them all together to make any sense of any of it. "Why don't we ever talk about _you_? How come the pressure's always on _me_? What about you? You sure seem to be here a lot. Don't you have a wife? A life outside this hospital? Where do you live? Who are your friends? You expect me to sit here each day and trust you, yet I know nothing about you! Give me something. Give me anything to go on."

Derek rocked back a little. He hadn't expected this. He wasn't sure what to say. The truth to anyone of those answers would send her over the edge. She just wasn't ready yet. He tilted his head and gave her his best McDreamy smile he could muster. Meredith didn't flinch. She sat with her arms folded firmly and stared back at him waiting.

He knew there was no other way out of this so he carefully began. "Well, let's see. Um, I'm from New York. Manhatten actually and never thought I could live any where else, couldn't believe I could _like_ it anywhere else. Until I ended up here. There was just something about Seattle. Maybe the ferry boats? I don't know, but it was intense. Anyways, I started working here under Dr. Webber about 6 years ago. My life got a little… um… complicated after that, and things happened, and I…" Derek let his voice trail off.

Meredith searched his eyes, caught up in his story. She couldn't read the expression on his face. Sorrow? Regret? And just as quickly as it had come it was replaced with something new. Hope?

Derek continued stronger, "Anyways, I dove into my work. Lived, breathed, everything was the hospital. That's how I became so, _renowned,_ as you put it. That's why you were able to read about me in those medical journals you found." Derek paused and watched Meredith to see if she was satisfied. When she didn't say anything he went on once again.

"Fine. I fish in my spare time. I have 4 sisters. I don't have grandparents, they're all dead. My favorite football team is the Seahawks, though I rarely watch football. Favorite color? Blue. My favorite subject growing up? Science. Hmm. What else? My favorite band?..."

Before he could answer something popped into Meredith's mind and she could hear him saying the words. "The Clash." She said it softly and slowly, a little scared at how she knew.

Derek couldn't speak. His eyes were wide and he searched her frightened face. He knew he shouldn't push but couldn't help himself, "My favorite novel?"

"The Sun Also Rises." She whispered this time, her voice shaking. Derek wanted to lean over and wrap her in his arms. To kiss away her uncertainty and let her feel safe in a way she hadn't in so long.

They locked eyes for a long time. Both trying to read each others thoughts. Derek let his gaze wander down to Meredith's lips. A big mistake he immediately realized as he couldn't tare his eyes away from the soft pink skin. He leaned towards her, ever so slowly and tore his eyes away from her mouth and back to her eyes.

Meredith felt her breath catch in her throat and prayed that Derek couldn't hear her heart beating wildly in her chest. She didn't know what was going on. _Why did she know those trivial facts about this doctor? And why was he now staring at her like that?_ She felt him shift closer to her and couldn't help but think he wanted to kiss her. Everything she knew said this was so wrong, but her insides were screaming differently. She let her eyes drop to his mouth briefly and she immediately decided she wanted to feel his strong lips on her small soft ones. She closed her eyes and held her breath. This would be her first kiss that she'd be able to remember and she wanted to savor every last memory. She leaned a little closer and could feel his quick hot breath on her face. She felt her body shake as the anticipation grew. The tension was so great and she thought she could stand the suspense no longer, when a loud knock at the door brought her back to earth.

Meredith flung her eyes open and Derek leapt from the bed. They turned to see one of the nurses walking in with Meredith's daily medicine.

"Oh, I'm sorry, am I interrupting something?" The nurse asked embarrassed noticing the flustered looks on both Meredith's and Derek's faces.

"No, nothing at all." They answered quickly at the same time.

"I was actually on my way out. I have.. um other patients… and stuff… so I better go. I'll see you later." Derek stammered while avoiding eye contact with Meredith.

He quickly crossed the room and hurried out. He cursed when he realized that his whole point in going in to see Meredith that morning had been to tell her Hanna was coming for a visit. He debated turning around and going back in but thought better of it. That was a close call. He could have gotten in big trouble crossing a line like that. Protocol, he repeated to himself for the millionth time that week. He had to follow protocol.

He continued down the hall to the nurses station deciding he'd have someone else deliver the good news.


	17. Chapter 17

**A/N: I don't have much to say so I won't babble about nothing. Thanks for all the reviews, it makes this so much more fun knowing there's people who are enjoying this as much as me. Read, Enjoy, Review. My week is a little busy, so I am definately going to try for daily updates but please don't give up on my if I miss a day! I'll do my best.**

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Meredith fidgeted nervously on her bed. Her heart hadn't stopped pounding and she couldn't think about anything except her _almost_ kiss. _What the hell had happened? _She still couldn't wrap her head around it. As Derek had sat on her bed revealing pieces of himself, she had almost felt like she knew what was coming next. Like she had heard everything being said once before. The only explanation she had come up with was maybe she had read about his interests in one of the medical journals, but that thought was quickly dismissed. Medical journals never disclosed personal information about the published doctors.

She knew that what ever had come over her, he had felt it too. _He_ had almost kissed her. Why would an amazing doctor like Derek want to kiss _her_? It just didn't add up. She knew there had to be rules against those kinds of behaviors towards patients. But that's what was making her so confused. None of the doctors here seemed to play by the rules. Most of them treated her like an old friend.

And then there was that look that Derek had given her. Just thinking about it gave her chills and made it hard for her to breath. Something strange was going on and she was determined to get to the bottom of it.

"Hello there! Look who _I've_ brought." Izzie interrupted Meredith's thoughts, entering the room without even bothering to knock.

Meredith's face immediately lit up when she saw her timid daughter walk in cautiously behind the blonde doctor.

"Hanna!" Meredith exclaimed, and held her hands out to her beautiful girl.

All reservations left Hanna's face when she saw her mom and she hurried across the room and climbed up into Meredith's arms. "Mama!" Was Hanna's only muffled response as she buried her face into her mother's neck.

Meredith held her daughter for a moment and stroked her beautiful curls. Izzie stood quietly to the side of the room, letting them have their moment. Meredith finally released Hanna from her embrace and sat her back a little to take a good look at her.

"My goodness Hanna! What have they been feeding you! You look so _good_!" Meredith had to blink back the tears that were quickly forming. She was struggling with a mixture of emotions. She had missed her daughter tremendously and was so happy to finally get to see her and hold her and know she really was okay. She was better than okay. And those were the other emotions causing her to choke up. Hanna looked more happy and healthy than she could ever remember. She hated everything she had put her poor baby through and hoped those cold hungry nights were forever in the past.

"French fries!" Hanna exclaimed as she bounced a little next to her mom on the big bed. Meredith could only giggle at her sweet girl's enthusiasm.

"So I guess she really is okay." Meredith spoke to Izzie for the first time since she entered the room. "Thank you. For bringing her, I mean. I'm sure you have a lot of more important things to do, but, thank you. It means a lot."

Izzie shook her head and waved off Meredith's sincere appreciation. "Are you kidding me? I'd much rather be hanging out with you guys than actually having to _work_." Izzie smiled at the two on the bed and Meredith knew she was telling the truth.

"Look at my owies mama." Hanna held out her arms and proudly showed her mom her various Hello Kitty band aides and needle marks.

Meredith's eyes went wide. "Wow sweetie. You sure are a brave girl." Meredith would have never predicted her daughter to be the brave warrior type. She had always been so shy and scared. She couldn't help but wonder what had caused her sudden transformation.

Hanna slid down the side of the hospital bed and began to explore the room. Izzie chatted energetically to Meredith about the latest hospital gossip she kept her informed about. Meredith listened to Izzie, laughing at the latest insane story of some nurse who had the hots for Alex and was completely oblivious to his current relationship status. But Meredith couldn't take her eyes off of Hanna. She investigated the hospital room with an air of confidence. Something she had never seen in her daughter before.

When Izzie finished her story, Meredith was finally able to tear her gaze away from Hanna long enough to ask Izzie a question. "So, does Hanna get along with her doctor's and nurses? I mean, she feels comfortable enough around them to let them take care of her?" Meredith turned back to Hanna, who was now studying one of the disconnected monitors that stood to the side of the room.

"Well ya, sure!" Izzie answered lightly. "She's great as long as.." Izzie forced her mouth shut before she said _as long as Derek's there_. Izzie cursed herself for having such a big mouth. "You know, as long as… everyone's… nice?" She tried, hoping Meredith didn't notice.

Meredith turned back quickly to Izzie and furrowed her brows. "That's not what you were going to say." She accused.

Izzie straightened up from the wall she was leaning against, "Sure it was. What do you mean?" She faked confusion but didn't meat Meredith's eyes. "Hey Hanna do you want me to show you what that does?!" She hurried across the room to Hanna but was stopped halfway by the beeping of her pager. "Oh. Darn. Big emergency. I have to run. Um, I'm sorry Hanna, looks like I'll have to show you next time. And Meredith," Izzie let out a nervous laugh, "It was nice talking to you. One of the pediatric nurses will be down to get Hanna before lunch. Um, bye." And with that Izzie scurried out of the room.

Meredith could only look on in suspicion. That was the second time in the short period she had known Izzie, that she'd said something she obviously wasn't suppose to. Meredith could only shake her head puzzled. Something was going on and now that it involved Hanna, it made Meredith uneasy.

She tried to shake off the unsettling feeling and focus on her daughter. It wouldn't be long before the nurse would be taking her away, and she wanted to enjoy it all she could knowing her next chance to see her wouldn't be until tomorrow.

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Derek paced the short space of his office. He couldn't get Meredith out of his mind. He had almost kissed her. He had wanted to so bad. He could barely remember their last kiss and being so close to her had just been too tempting. This was turning out to be a lot harder than he had imagined. Pretending that he didn't know her, that he didn't love her. _What was he thinking?_

He stopped pacing and took a couple of breaths. _He could do this._ Meredith was slowly getting better and he had faith that it wouldn't be too long before she'd put the pieces together and awaken that part of her memory that was lost. _He could do this_, he repeated again. With renewed determination, he ran a hand through his hair and left his office. He'd just have to be careful and avoid any more close calls with Meredith.

Derek had finished his consults for the morning and headed towards the elevator, eager to grab a salad and meet his miniature date for lunch. Just thinking about Hanna put a smile on his face and made him walk with a little hop in his step. He saw the door open to Meredith's room and tried to quickly walk by unnoticed. But he stopped when he heard a familiar young voice whimpering softly, crying for her Mama.

Derek quickly ducked behind the wall, not letting himself be seen, and listened to the commotion going on inside the room.

"Hanna, honey. The nice nurse is just going to take you back to your room so you can eat your yummy lunch. It'll be okay Hanna, I promise. We'll see each other again tomorrow." Meredith was pleading with her daughter and he could hear a nurse talking as well, trying to coax the terrified little girl away from her mom.

Derek hated hearing Hanna cry. He hated it even more that she was so scared. He knew it would be a real bad idea to go in there now, especially after what had happened this morning, so he tried to think of another solution.

"Nurse Debbie!" He stopped the nurse who was hurrying by him down the hall. She gave him an odd look, wondering why he was stalking Meredith's room instead of going in. "Have you seen Dr. Stevens?"

Nurse Debbie shook her head, "She's in surgery, Doctor."

Derek thought again, "How about O'Malley?"

"He's also in surgery doctor, with his wife."

That took care of Callie. "How about Karev? Or maybe Dr. Montgomery or Sloan?" Someone had to be here to help him.

The nurse shook her head again. "I'm sorry sir. Karev is off today and the Sloan's already left for lunch. Is there something _I_ can do for you?"

Derek shook his head discouraged and the Nurse hurried on her way down the hall. He didn't have a choice. He couldn't let Hanna get all worked up and panicked. He had to do something.

He stepped into the door way and cleared his throat, trying to be as nonchalant as possible. "What's going on?"

He noticed Meredith's face flush when she saw him standing there but did his best to ignore it.

Meredith shifted her clinging daughter on her lap and tried to get her to unbury her face from her neck. "I'm sorry we're causing so much noise. It's just that it's time for Hanna to go back to her room for lunch, but she's incredibly shy and doesn't want to go with the nurse." Meredith went back to talking softly in her daughter's ear, trying to get her to loosen her grip.

The nurse took a step back defeated, and Derek took a breath. He needed to do this without causing any more suspicion in Meredith and he just wasn't sure how. "Maybe I can help." He took another step inside the room and waited to see what Meredith would say.

She let out a little laugh towards Derek. "No offense, but when I say shy, I mean she's _terrified_ of people she doesn't know. _Especially_ men. She's been like this her whole life…." Meredith was going to add, _there's nothing you can do_, when she noticed Hanna release her grip from her neck and look up slowly. She watched as her daughter looked to see who was talking by the doorway and felt her breath catch in her chest as recognition and delight replaced the fear that had been on Hanna's tear streaked face.

Hanna wiggled out of her mother's arms, climbed off the bed and hurried across the room. Derek swooped her up in his arms and gave her a quick hug.

"You know, I'm headed that way anyways. I'll just take her back on my way. It's no problem." Derek didn't know what else to add to make this less shocking for Meredith.

Meredith just stared from her spot on her bed. She was too stunned to speak. She mumbled something that she hoped sounded like Okay, and gave a small wave to her daughter and watched the two heads of dark curls disappear.

She was too tired to even acknowledge the pediatric nurse who hurried out after Derek and Hanna. Her head was spinning with the strange events of the day running through her mind. If she could just stop the turning in her head, maybe she could make some sense of it. If she could just stop her hands from shaking and her heart from pounding, maybe she would figure everything out.

Her eyes grew heavy and her fatigued mind refused to cooperate. She needed to stay awake and think. She didn't want to sleep right now. But her body wouldn't listen and the familiar calm blackness claimed her as its victim, the last image playing in her mind was the dark haired man swooping up her dark haired daughter, sharing a look together with their identical blue eyes.


	18. Chapter 18

**A/N: Sorry about the delay in getting this up. Things have been busy in 3D life and it took me a while to get this chapter to where I liked it. SO I hope you guys like it and you're not too confused or anything. There's still so much more to come this week so keep checking in! Read and Review and thanks to all of you!**

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The bright sun slowly snuck in a corner of the plastic blinds that hung on the large hospital window. It quickly spread warm sunshine throughout the room, erasing traces of the long dark sleepless night. Meredith had tossed and turned for hours. She didn't think she'd slept for more than five minutes at a time. She had been haunted with bits and pieces of memories all night that hadn't made any sense to her. A lot of the memories had been from her childhood. She had been left with feelings of loneliness and dejection. As the memories advanced in her dreams, she was sure things had changed. There was a time she was happy. She was sure of it. And she was sure it had to do with the hospital she found herself lying in. She was now certain that everyone knew something she didn't. She just had to figure out what that was.

She didn't let herself think about Derek all night. Everything that had happened yesterday was just too much to contemplate. When she let her mind wander to the dreamy doctor and the surprising connection he had shared with her daughter, her head started to buzz in a strangely familiar way. It made her dizzy and scared, and so she had decided to just _not _think of him.

Meredith laid her head back and squeezed her eyes shut trying to remember the last memory that had played through her mind. She couldn't recall it, but remembered the way it made her palms sweat and her heart break. _What could it have been?_ She remembered it was something she hadn't been suspecting, but she felt it was something big. Something that would cause her life to spin out of control and turn her into a dark and twisty mess.

She was taking out her frustration on her flat pillow that refused to fluff, when a soft knock came at the door. She called for whoever it was to come in, not paying much attention, busying her self with her pillows and blankets in an impossible effort to get comfortable.

"Is everything okay?" came the concerned female's voice from her door way.

Meredith abandoned her efforts and turned to the unexpected visitor. "Addison? Oh, I'm sorry, I mean, Dr. Montgomery – Sloan."

Addison smiled easily and took off her glasses, carefully putting them in the small pocket of her lab coat. "It's all right, I told you to call me Addison."

Meredith nodded and stared carefully at the beautiful red head that stood before her. Her hair was perfect, not a strand out of place. Her smooth skin was even and she wore a hint of pink lip gloss that coordinated perfectly with her silk blouse. The black skirt she wore stopped short of her knees, showing flawless legs that went on forever. She finished out her outfit with a perfect pair of designer heels. Meredith couldn't help but shrink down in her bed feeling incredibly inferior to the goddess who stared back with a concerned look on her face.

Meredith didn't know what to say so she sat silently, waiting for her visitor to speak first.

Addison suddenly realized she really didn't have a good excuse to be in Meredith's room, besides the fact she truly _did _care about the young woman and wanted to make sure she was doing okay. "Oh, um… Have you seen Dr. Shepherd? I needed him for a consult… and they said he might be in here?"

Meredith shook her head and searched the woman's face. Her first encounter with this doctor had gone rather similarly. She had come in one of the first nights of Meredith's stay, "looking" for Dr. Stevens. Meredith had fallen for the excuse the first few times, but when Addison's husband Mark had stumbled in one day with the same pretext, she couldn't ignore her gut that they weren't being completely honest with her.

Addison shifted from one heel to the next, uncomfortable under Meredith's scrutinizing stare. "Well, okay. I'm so sorry to have bothered you. I'll, uh, see you later." Addison turned to leave but Meredith's soft voice stopped her.

"Please stay." Meredith was just as surprised as Addison at her request, but shrugged it off. She was terribly bored and wanted to get her mind off of her unsettling night of puzzling dreamlike memories.

Addison tried not to act too shocked as she turned back around to take a seat near Meredith's bed. "Okay, I don't have to scrub in for surgery for another hour or so." She thought hard for something she could talk about. "Tell me how you're really doing Meredith?"

Meredith paused a moment before answering. She found it strange that it was not the least bit odd for her, an amnesiac patient, to be sitting here chit chatting with one of the nation's top Neo- Natal surgeons. Just like it hadn't been odd for Mark, a famous plastic surgeon to pop his head in on occasion, and even more the fact that it was almost normal for her to almost kiss a hot shot neurosurgeon.

"I'm fine. Really. It's just my head's been buzzing this morning and I didn't get much sleep last night." Meredith didn't know why she was sharing this information with Addison, but the surgeon seemed like she genuinely cared.

"How's your memory coming along?" Addison asked awkwardly and knew she could get in trouble but no one else was talking about it and she was dying to know.

Meredith shrugged and let out a heavy sigh. "Slowly. It's just so frustrating. I feel like it's on the tip of my tongue. Like if I just sneeze hard enough, I'll jar it free and suddenly remember who I am."

Addison couldn't help but let out a small laugh. She couldn't imagine going through what Meredith was. Guilt swept through her body like it had on more than one occasion since Meredith showed up in the ER. How she had despised this young woman who had stolen Derek's heart. Long ago it wouldn't have been uncommon for Addison to lay awake at night, wishing Meredith would just disappear. And that was just what had happened. Meredith had just disappeared. Sure, it was after she and Derek were through, and she had gone back to Mark. But there was still a small part of Addison that blamed herself for everything that happened. It took a lot of growing up on Addison's part to realize that she never really disliked Meredith. She had just been insanely jealous of her. She even came to realize that she actually admired Meredith. She had been the better woman to step aside and let the man she loved work things out with his wife. Addison knew she would never have been able to do the same.

The two women sat in a comfortable silence, different thoughts running through each of their heads. Meredith couldn't help but think there was something familiar about Addison. Her hair, her eyes, the way she intimidated others. She let herself stare at the red head, trying to will the memory to come. She knew her. Now if she could only remember how.

The nagging memory of last night swept through Meredith again, leaving the same feelings it had that morning. If she could only remember what had happened.

And then it was there. A small fraction of her fuzzy past came into focus. _Addison_ was her uncomfortable memory. Meredith let out a small gasp as she recalled her first encounter with Addison. She heard the painful words coming back from her past.

"_And you must be the woman who's been screwing my husband."_

Addison's words were sharp and pointed, and directed towards Meredith.

Meredith felt the blood drain out of her face and her breathing became panicked. It couldn't be. She had to be remembering wrong. But she couldn't shake it. She knew it was real and that it had really happened.

"What on earth is wrong Meredith?!" Addison stood in alarm.

"I…You…." Meredith shook her head and tried to form words. She started crying and Addison immediately came to her side awkwardly resting a hand on the smaller woman's arm. Meredith couldn't believe Addison was being so nice to her after what she had done. She shook her away and started again, now sobbing. "I remember!... I'm a dirty whoooooreeeee!" Meredith's body now shook as she cried and she covered her face with her hands in embarrassment.

"What!?" Addison couldn't believe what she was hearing and wasn't sure what to do. She pushed the call button for the nurse and again tried to comfort Meredith. "What are you talking about? You're absolutely not…. that." Addison was uneasy and chose not to repeat Meredith's words.

Meredith slowly put down her hands and looked into Addison's confused face. "I remember Addison. You… were there… and I was…. And you came up and told me I was the woman screwing your husband! I can't believe I'd do that to you! I'm so sorry."

Addison watched anxiously. It was good that Meredith was remembering but why did she have to remember _that_. She had never been around an amnesiac patient before and tried hard to remember what Burke had told them all about protocol.

"Meredith, it's not what you think. You didn't do anything wrong. Just calm down for a minute. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to say… or do…" Addison looked around as if the answer might be written on one of the walls.

"Didn't do anything _wrong_?" Meredith asked in disbelief. "I slept with _Mark_. How are you okay with this? Me and Mark…" Meredith let her voice trail, still not believing it herself.

Addison's eyes widened in complete shock. "Oh my!" She was at a loss for words. Of course Meredith didn't know Derek used to be her husband. This poor confused girl. "Meredith, honey, you did _not_ sleep with Mark." Addison held her hand up to Meredith when she tried to interrupt. "Let me finish. Mark and I were only married a little over 3 years ago. That was a while after you had disappeared." Addison was so caught up with Meredith's incorrect assumption that she didn't even realize her slip.

"What do you mean after I disappeared?" Meredith asked in a low, accusing voice.

Addison's eyes again registered shock at the realization of what she said. "Nothing. I really have to go."

Addison began retreating to the door, but Meredith determined to not let her off the hook. "Addison! Please! I need to know. What does everyone around here know about me that I don't! You can't leave! I deserve answers! Please, Addison." She said the last words quietly, almost desperately.

Addison paused at the door way and took a breath. She turned and took a step closer to Meredith and searched her face. They were way beyond "protocol" at this point and she didn't know what else to do. She saw the tears streaming down Meredith's confused anxious face. Addison lowered her voice. "Your name is Meredith Grey. You were a doctor here 5 years ago. You were actually an intern with the other doctors: Yang, Stevens, O'Malley, Karev. You were really close to a lot of the people here. Everyone loved you. Especially one man. He…"

Addison was suddenly interrupted when on old nurse came barging through the door. "You buzzed?" She barked.

Addison stole one quick last glance at Meredith's stunned, tear stained face, and ducked out the door, knowing she had said _way_ too much.


	19. Chapter 19

"Okay, well, your labs came back clean and your physical exam looks good…" Dr. Hemming paused to jot a few notes down in Meredith's chart before continuing, "I talked with Dr. Shepherd this morning and he gave me the go ahead to ease your bed rest restrictions. That means you have free roam of your room and if you'd like, once you get stronger, you can exercise your legs a little up and down the hallway out there. Just don't go too far, I could get in trouble if I lost you." The doctor chuckled at his own joke, adding something else to her chart before closing it softly and finally looking at Meredith.

Meredith nodded, only half listening to the boring doctor who seemed to like cracking lame jokes. She had politely laughed at his first few attempts of humor, but quickly grew tired. She was tired of his dull sense of humor, tired of his endless examinations, tired of him. When Dr. Hemming had come in for his daily rounds that morning, she had studied him carefully. She had dissected every word he spoke and analyzed every expression he made. She had decided without a doubt that she did _not _know him from before, and he definitely hadn't known her before she became his patient. As far as he knew, she was just another amnesiac patient, and because of that fact, Meredith had grown bored with him and wished he'd just leave.

She hadn't uttered a word of Addison's omission and was quickly constructing a plan in her head. Everything was working out perfectly, and now that Dr. Hemming had officially taken her off of bed rest, it made it that much easier. She waited patiently for the doctor to stop incessantly talking and wish her a good day before he finally left. Meredith couldn't help but breathe a sigh of relief and sat up. She had nervous butterflies in her stomach and had to calm her shaking hands. _She could do this_. _She had to do this_.

She swung her legs over the side of the bed and stood up. She waited for the dizziness that usually accompanied, but it didn't come. She took a few steps and found her legs to be a little shaky and weak at first, but after a few minutes and a couple circles around the room, the rubbery feeling faded and her legs felt sturdy and sound. Meredith double checked her hospital gown, making sure it was securely tied and her back end wasn't exposed, before turning the knob on the heavy hospital door. She took one last deep breath and, now determined, pressed on with her mission.

* * *

Meredith took slow, even steps down the long hall. She held on to a rail and carefully made her way. She didn't need the wall for support, she was feeling fine, but used it to not draw too much attention her way. She wanted to seem like an ordinary patient, wondering around aimlessly, out stretching her legs; as opposed to a resolved patient with a specific destination in mind.

She turned a corner and knew she was definitely further than Dr. Hemming had wanted her to go, but didn't care. She was almost there. Meredith wasn't sure how she remembered where it was, but for some miraculous reason, it was one of the small memories she had fortunately been given. She was now directly across from the targeted room and paused, leaning against the wall for added effect, and looked around. The hospital seemed to be exceptionally busy that afternoon. No one had given her a second glance when they passed her in the hall and now the hallway was deserted, not a single nurse or doctor to be seen. She couldn't help but smile a little. This was way too easy.

Meredith casually crossed the hall and silently prayed the door would be unlocked. She held her breath as she tried the knob and to her utter delight, it turned easily. She quickly stepped in, closing it quietly behind her and looked around. It was exactly how she remembered it.

The File Room held every file, every chart, every piece of signed paper work that ever existed in the hospital. The walls were lined with endless grey filing cabinets holding important patient notes and information. She quickly passed those, heading to the black ones that lined the back wall. The hospital _staff_ files. She couldn't believe she actually remembered they were here, but was elated she had. The hospital kept on record every employees file, no matter how long it had been since they actually worked at Seattle Grace. They did it for insurance purposes. One of their backup systems in case of malpractice suits. All Meredith now had to do was find her old file and she was sure there would be emergency contact numbers and next to kin information and she could finally find her family; the specific people, or person, that Addison had so briefly mentioned. It had to be in her file somewhere.

She skimmed through the names until she found what she was looking for. _Grey_. But Meredith's hand stopped on the file before hers. _Grey, Ellis_. Meredith's heart started pounding in her chest and she took out the file and held it in her shaky hands. Ellis Grey was her mother. For some reason she knew that. She was overcome with a sense of joy. Her mother would be able to fill in a huge part of the puzzle. Meredith was able to sort through enough memories that she knew she and her mother didn't have the best relationship, but she was still her mother. And Meredith had felt more like a small child in the last few days, then she had in her entire life. She yearned for the comfort only a mother could give.

Meredith quickly opened the folder and skimmed down the page. _Date of birth: October 10, 1951. Living relatives: daughter, Meredith Grey._ Meredith's heart skipped a beat seeing her name on the chart. It was actual proof that this indeed was her mother. She quickly red on and learned her mother was a surgeon, and seemed to be a good one at that. Her list of awards and honorable mentions filled up half the sheet of paper. Meredith kept reading, hoping for a current address or phone number, any means of a way to reach her. She held her breath when she found what she was looking for. _Current Residency_: _Rose Ridge Home For Extended Care, April 2004- Nov 2008_Meredith frowned. November of 2008 was almost 3 years ago. Why hadn't her chart been updated? And then Meredith saw it. The cold 8 letter word typed perfectly at the bottom of the page. **Deceased**.

The page became blurred and Meredith's hands began to shake again. Her mother was dead. Her bottom lip trembled and she let the chart fall to the floor. The tears came freely and Meredith backed up to the wall and let herself slide down slowly. She buried her face in her knees and let the sobs free. Her shoulders shook violently and she was breathing quickly, having a hard time catching her breath. Her family was dead. She felt like one of her ultimate fears had been realized, she and Hanna were all alone in this world.

* * *

Derek was purposely avoiding Meredith's room. Seeing the woman you loved and not being able to tell her, to touch her, was just too hard. All the feelings inside him that he thought were dead for so long, had been awakened and now his heart and soul ached to hold her. Derek shook his head and tried his best to focus. He was quickly finishing some post op notes on a craniotomy he had just spent the last 4 hours performing. His eyes were heavy and his back was stiff. He had been on call all night and couldn't wait to crawl into bed next to his daughter and take a long overdue nap. He found now that the only way he _could_ sleep was with Hanna in his arms.

He quickly finished writing in the chart and snapped the file closed, laying it on top of a pile of others just like it. He turned and started down the deserted hallway, heading towards the elevator. He was half way there when he heard muffled sobs coming from one of the file rooms. He paused curiously outside the door and listened again. He was certain now that there was indeed a woman crying inside. A strange feeling swept over him and he thought he recognized the sorrowful cry. He opened the door and swiftly searched the dim room with his eyes. His alarmed gaze settled on the tiny form of a familiar woman curled up in the back of the room. She shook as she cried in despair and Derek's heart twisted in pain for the woman he loved.

"Meredith?" He whispered softly and crossed the room to her side. He stood awkwardly, not knowing what he should do. He glanced to the open file on the floor next to her and read the name. _Ellis Grey_. "Oh Meredith." He said it softly, now understanding what she must have discovered.

Meredith looked up at him with large frightened eyes. "I can't… I can't….I don't want…" Her body started shaking again, wracked with sobs of despair. "I don't want to be alone!" She looked away and wept, letting her grief consume her.

Derek couldn't take it any more and with out thinking twice he knelt down beside her and took her into his arms; her small soft body fitting perfectly next to his strong hard one. He let one hand rub small comforting circles on her back and while the other found her soft golden hair and stroked it soothingly. He felt a wave of relief wash over his body as he felt her tension slowly melt away and give in to his embrace, completely returning it. Her tiny arms held on tightly to the back of his neck and she nuzzled her face into his chest, breathing him in.

Her breathing steadied and her whimpering faded. Derek and Meredith stayed holding on to one another for a long time, Meredith clinging for dear life. Slowly Meredith pulled away and Derek looked down into her shining eyes. He could see they were filled with questions and he found himself once again unsure of what he should say. He used a thumb and wiped a tear from her face. He let his finger linger on her soft cheek and slowly moved it down to her lips. He softly outlined the inviting flesh with his thumb, taking pleasure in the way Meredith trembled at his touch.

"I'm okay." She whispered, breaking the charged silence.

"You're okay." Derek repeated, grudgingly pulling his hand away from her captivating mouth.

They stared at each other silently again. Each one's mind racing with questions of its own. Derek decided he should go first. "Meredith," he started gently, "How did you find this?" He picked up Ellis's file with his free hand, desperately needing to know how much she now knew about herself.

Meredith sat back a little and twisted free from Derek's hold. She searched his ruggedly handsome face and stared into his deep blue eyes. She knew he was a part of her past but just couldn't figure out how big a part. Her head started pounding with the annoying dull ache that seemed to always accompany any past memories. She squeezed her eyes shut for a moment and tried to ignore the pain.

"Who are you Derek?" Meredith finally spoke, determined to put her puzzle together.

"Um, what? What do you mean… I'm um, a doctor? Doctor Shepherd." Derek clumsily answered back not completely making eye contact with her.

"No. You know what I mean! Just stop with all the bull shit! _Who_ are you? I know I was a doctor here five years ago. I know I had a life here before I disappeared. I know that every single one of you have been lying to my face since I got here. So just tell me! _Who_ are you? Were you my boss? My teacher? Friend?! This is driving me crazy, just tell me!" Meredith's pulse was racing and she couldn't help but put a hand to her head that was starting to spin.

Derek could tell that Meredith was in pain and knew that all this excitement was not good for her healing brain. "Come on Mer, we need to get you back to your bed." He stood and grabbed one of Meredith's arms to help her to her feet.

She reluctantly rose and turned to face him, her eyes blaring. "Just answer the damn question Derek!"

Derek wanted to laugh out loud; she was so cute when she was mad and so darn bossy. He absolutely loved it, but quickly thought better of laughing knowing it would just infuriate her and make things worse. "It's complicated." He tilted his head to the side and gave her the best McDreamy smile he could muster, hoping it would calm the rage that flared in her eyes. He wished he could tell her. Pull her into her arms and say the three words that he had never told, her but had lived inside him since the night they met.

Meredith let out a loud frustrated sound that resembled a growl and pushed him out of her way with all the strength she could summon. She gave him a dirty look in response to his amused expression and headed for the door. She turned around to yell some more profanities at the exasperating doctor but her head was pounding too loud and to hard too form any more words. She uttered another sound of disgust and quickly left the room, slamming the door as loud as possible behind her.

Derek could only chuckle to himself and rub the spot on his chest she had bruised. For some one so small she sure was strong. He shook his head and smiled, that was the Meredith he knew and loved. She was slowly coming back and it was now just a matter of time before she'd be his again.

* * *

**A/N: Okay I promise I'm done with the "teasing" and the next chapter will be a BIG one. You won't want to miss it. Thanks again to all the amazing reviews and keep them coming. They're the only reason this is just so fun! Next chapter coming either Sunday or Monday, I know that's a few days away but I promise it will be worth the wait!**


	20. Chapter 20

**A/N: I can't believe this is chapter 20. When I started this I seriously thought I'd have like 10 or 11 chapters. On that note I thought I'd like to say that this story definately has an "end". It doesn't go on forever. But don't worry it's still a few chapters away. And I'm also sorry that I made you wait 'till Monday for this. I tried so very hard to get it up yesterday. With that being said Thanks again to all the wonderful amazing reviews. I promise not to make you wait very long for the next chapter after this!**

* * *

Meredith wasn't sure how she had made it back to her room, but somehow she did and had found her inviting bed and pillow. She let her exhausted body and aching head rest against the white soft sheets welcoming the cool sensation against her skin. Her heart was still racing and conflicting emotions stirred inside her. That Dr. Shepherd was so infuriating. Her body shook with what she hoped was anger, but deep down couldn't deny it was more from desire. She wanted to hate the cocky arrogant man whose look made her go weak in the knees. It was all so confusing. One minute she felt like punching him, the next she found herself remembering his strong arms around her and how safe she had felt. Like she was finally home, something she couldn't ever remember feeling. The last thing Meredith let herself think of before drifting off to a peaceful sleep were the sensations that had ran through her body when Derek had softly ran his thumb along her lips. She let her tongue move slowly around her bottom lip, foolishly trying to discover if he had left any hints of what it might taste like to kiss him, as she finally succumbed to her heavy eyelids.

_The bar tender pored her requested drink and looked at her surprised. "Straight tequila? Really? You're going to be sorry in the morning." _

_Meredith couldn't help but agree. "I'm always sorry in the morning. But tomorrow I start my first day at work, so keep'em coming." She tilted her head back and downed the small glassful of dark liquid in one burning gulp. She stared straight ahead, lost in her own thoughts, not paying much attention to the man who had been staring at her since she walked in and now stood right beside her._

"_Double scotch, single malt please." He told the bar tender then turned to address her, "So, is this a good place to hang out?"_

_Meredith did her best to not look at the handsome stranger. She had a lot on her mind and was starting her intense internship at Seattle Grace the next day, the last thing she needed was male distraction. "I wouldn't know, never been here before." She said coolly._

_The dark haired man clearly didn't get it and kept talking. "You know what? I haven't either. First time here. I'm new in town. Never been to Seattle. New job." The stranger paused a moment before realization lit his blue eyes. "Ah, you're ignoring me."_

_Meredith did her best to remain polite. "Um, trying to." She quickly glanced at the man then looked away._

_He obviously found this quite surprising and a little amusing. He wasn't used to girls ignoring him. "You shouldn't ignore me."_

_Meredith couldn't help herself and finally turned to face the persistent man. She was very used to being hit on at bars, but they usually caught on quick when she wasn't interested. And there was no denying how attracted she really was to this man. "Why not?" She asked skeptically._

"_Because I'm someone you need to get to know to love." _

_Meredith was a little thrown back by his reply. She hadn't heard that one before and was now a little interested. "Really?" _

"_Oh yes." He answered honestly._

_The good looking man had now completely grabbed her attention. "So if I know you, I'll love you?" She tried._

"_Oh yes." He answered again and Meredith couldn't help but think he might just be the most gorgeous man she had ever laid eyes on._

_She searched his shining blue eyes. "You really like yourself huh?"_

_The stranger let out a little chuckle, "Just hiding my pain."_

_They both laughed out loud at that and Meredith felt his eyes sweep over her. "So what's your story?" He met her eyes and tried to read her expression._

"_I don't have a story. I'm just a girl in a bar." Meredith smiled, now totally interested in spending her lonely evening with the good looking man._

"_I'm just a guy in a bar." He held his glass up to her and they both drank, new expectations raised for the night._

Meredith tossed and turned in her hospital bed, her empty mind soaking up the memories flowing through like the desert sand.

Next it was Cristina's voice that haunted her dreams_. "…I don't get picked for surgeries 'cause I slept with my boss, and I didn't get into med school 'cause I have a famous mother…"_

Cristina's voice quickly faded and she recognized Izzie's taking its place. "_You have their respect without even trying and you're throwing it away… for what? A few good surgeries?" They stood in a large kitchen and she recognized it as her mother's old house. Meredith heard her self respond. "No, it's not about the surgeries, it's not about getting ahead…"_

"_Then what?" Izzie's voice sounded harsh. "A little hot sex? You're willing to ruin your credibility over that? I mean Meredith, what the hell are you doing?"_

_Meredith found herself speechless and could only roll her eyes._

_Izzie continued with wide, shocked eyes. "Oh my Gosh… you're falling for him."_

"_I am not." Meredith quickly tried to defend herself._

"_Oh you so are." Izzie answered knowingly._

"_No, I'm not."_

"_So are…. Damnit, you poor girl."_

"_You know it's just that he's so…and I'm just… I'm having a hard time…" Meredith searched for anything to say that would make what Izzie was saying not true._

"_You're all, uh, mushy and warm and full of secret feelings." Izzie shook her head and handed Meredith a piece of the chocolate cake she had just baked._

"_I hate you! And I hate your cake!" Meredith took a bite of the warm delicious cake._

"_No, the cake is good." Izzie countered with her own mouth full of cake. "So, uh, how hot is the sex?"_

"_Izzie!" Meredith laughed shocked._

"_What?! Come on, I'm not getting any. Help a girl out with a few details..."_

Meredith stirred again, her head buzzing from the impact of everything she was remembering. Scenes played fast through her head. She and her intern friends. She and Derek. She was happy, happier than she had ever been in her life. And then suddenly it had all changed. _Addison_. _Derek was married to Addison_. The puzzle pieces were slowly beginning to fit together and grief and sorrow washed over, quickly replacing her brief felt happiness. Tears filled Meredith's closed eyes as one of her most painful memories washed over her.

_Meredith entered the scrub room and waited for the other doctor to leave, finding Derek and herself alone. She took a deep breath and shifted nervously on her feet. "I lied. I'm not…out… of this relationship. I'm in. I'm so in. it's humiliating, because here I am, begging…"_

"_Mer.." Derek tried interrupting but Meredith hurried on._

"_Just… shut up. You say Meredith and I yell, remember?" She wrung her hands, scared to death about what she was about to say._

"_Yeah." Derek said a little defeated and sat back against one of the sinks._

"_Ok, here it is. Your choice… it's simple. Her or me. And I'm sure she's really great. But Derek… I love you. In a really really big… pretend to like your taste in music… let you eat the last piece of cheesecake… hold a radio over my head outside your window… unfortunate way that makes me hate you…love you. So pick me. Choose me. Love me." Meredith took a breath. " I'll be at Joe's tonight… so if you do decide... to sign the papers…meet me there." Meredith quickly turned and left the room, wiping the tears that had spilled from her overly full eyes._

Meredith turned on her side and let a few tears sneak out and fall to her white pillow as the long forgotten pain of a broken heart found its way back to her chest. She remembered how he had chosen his wife over her and all the agony and hurt that had followed.

Meredith sat up. She glanced at the large round clock on the wall and realized it was already dinner time. She had slept most of the afternoon. She wrapped her small arms around herself and all of the sudden felt very lonely. She needed Hanna. She wanted the reassurance of unconditional love she believed only her 4 year old daughter could offer.

She realized she could get in a lot of trouble straying that far from her room, but didn't care. Her head was feeling much better; the loud pounding now gave way to a quiet hum in the back of her head. She made up her mind and quickly rushed out of her room and down the hall, opting for the stairs instead of the elevators, knowing she would less likely be seen there. Somehow she knew exactly where the pediatric wing was, just as she had known where the file room had been. She carefully climbed the length of stairs and found the floor she was looking for. She walked quickly and discreetly, ducking into empty rooms and closets to avoid the nurses and doctors hurrying on with their own business. She easily found the large white board that hung near the nurses station that held the patients names and room numbers. **Hanna Grey, 3318**.

She quickly found the correct room and paused when she saw the door was open and that her daughter was not alone in the room. She snuck quietly to the door and peaked in. The scene that met her eyes caused her to rock back a little in complete shock.

Hanna wasn't sitting on the hospital bed like Meredith had expected. Instead she sat at a small table in the room eating her dinner. She wasn't alone. Derek sat directly next to her daughter, eating an identical meal of dinosaur shaped chicken nuggets, french fries, and small cartons of chocolate milk. Meredith watched unnoticed as the two happily ate the simple meal together. She couldn't help but notice how Hanna's eyes twinkled as she laughed at something Derek had said. They both reached for a fry and dipped it in the dark red ketchup that filled a side of Derek's plate, each popping it in their mouths identically. When they laughed their blue eyes both danced to the same rhythm and Meredith held her breath when she watched them each lick a finger on their right hand while running the other hand through their matching manes of dark curls. There was absolutely no denying it. Derek was Hanna's father.

Meredith took a few steps back and the pounding and spinning of her head returned. Her heart was beating rapidly in her chest and she started running, heading back to the stairs wanting the comfort of her isolated bed to think. She passed doors and hallways in a blur, and didn't even acknowledge the curious questioning eyes that followed her. She didn't know how she found the strength to make it down the stairs and find her room but somehow she made it. Her head grew heavy and the loud throbbing turned into a roar which soon drowned out everything including her sight.

Meredith tried to fight back against her fading consciousness. She felt herself falling, and desperately grabbed for something to hold on to, anything. Her hands met with dreadful emptiness and she hit the floor hard, now completely giving in to the growing nothingness that had been beckoning. Everything went black and quiet. It was peaceful. Meredith felt her sorrow and pain and confusion easing away. Everything became numb and Meredith felt herself giving in. She kept slipping further and further away. Away from the chaos. Away from any emotions. Away from the voices that were calling her name. Meredith completely let go and finally allowed her self to be entirely swallowed by the calmed darkness.

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**Dun dun dun. Don't worry, the next will be up shortly!**


	21. Chapter 21

**A/N: Wow, you're reviews were great and quick and so here's the next chapter. I told you I wouldn't make you wait too long!**

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"Finish your chocolate milk Hanna, and if you're real lucky I'll read you a story before bed." Derek winked at his beautiful little girl as he stacked their empty dinner trays and placed them at the edge of the table for one of the nurses to collect.

"Kay Daddy!" Hanna concentrated on the last bit of her chocolate drink before triumphantly holding up the empty container. He couldn't help but chuckle at her chocolate mustache as she grinned from ear to ear. "All done!"

He swept his tiny daughter up in his arms and tickled her as he carried her over to the large bed. "So what shall it be tonight? Arthur and his case of chicken pox? Or Baby Bop Goes to the Circus?" He held up the two old paperbacks and reminded himself he really needed to search the hospital for some new reading material. He already had these two memorized.

"Can we go see Mama 'gain?" She tilted her head to the side and looked up sadly into her daddy's face. Derek let out a helpless sigh. He knew it must be hard for a four year old to be separated from her mom for so long.

"Not now princess. Mama needs to rest. How about tomorrow?" He kissed her softly on her forehead, letting her curls tickle his cheek.

Before Hanna could answer, Derek's pager went off causing them both to jump a little. Derek murmured something under his breath and found the beeping pager in his lab coat he had tossed over a chair. _Dr. Hemming_. Derek sighed annoyed. He had told everyone over and over again not to page him unless it was an absolute emergency. He considered ignoring the page but thought better of it. "Hanna. Daddy needs to go see what's going on downstairs. I promise I'll be right back." He handed the little girl the two worn books. "You look at the pictures until I get back. Okay Princess?"

Hanna nodded, the disappointment evident in her eyes. "You gotta be a docor?"

Derek smiled, amazed at how much she had grown in the last few days. She no longer through fits when he had to leave and even occasionally let Izzie or Addison play with her. "Ya, I gotta go be a doctor. But I'll be back when I'm done. I promise." He quickly bent down and kissed the top of her head and she waved good bye as he reluctantly left her room.

His pager went off again as he headed towards the elevator. This time it read 911 and fear washed over Derek. He skipped the elevator and turned to the stairs knowing it would be faster. As he started down the cement steps, he heard his name being paged over the intercom. "_Dr. Shepherd, code blue Room 209. Dr. Shepherd, code blue Room 209."_

Derek's heart froze as his worst fear was realized. He began taking the steps two at a time and couldn't move fast enough. He pushed through the metal door to the second floor and raced down the hall. As he turned the corner he saw a large group of doctors and nurses gathered outside Meredith's room. His body shook and his heart pounded as he locked eyes with a pair that were usually so sure and arrogant, but now held fear and uncertainty. Derek turned to the woman who was clinging on to the man for dear life and noticed the tears streaming down her face. Addison didn't usually cry. Derek felt his throat close as dreadful realization hit him head on. Izzie was sobbing burying her face into Alex's scrub top. George and Callie stood wide eyed, holding hands.

Derek pushed through the crowd of scared friends. As he got closer he heard orders and demands being barked in Meredith's room. He recognized the voices. Cristina was screaming to charge the paddles and Burke was growling for the nurse to push eppie. Dr. Hemming was saying something Derek couldn't make out. The machines were beeping in alarm. Derek found himself frozen in horror. He couldn't speak, he couldn't move. He could only look on as the woman he loved lay motionless on the bed, their dear friends moving robotically above her.

"Clear!" Cristina ordered and the room became hushed. The electricity charged through Meredith's body causing a powerful jerk. They all held their breaths, praying for a glitch on the heart machine.

The steady beep held and Cristina called again. "Charge it to 300!" She repeated the process and again everyone held their breath. Nothing happened.

Derek heard Izzie sob again and let himself fall to his knees. _No Lord. Please! Don't take her away from me. Don't take her away from Hanna! Please! One more day! Let me have her for a little longer! Oh, Please! _

A small, intermittent beep replaced the eerie long one that had been echoing through the room. Derek slowly opened his eyes and saw relief flood through Cristina's tear streaked face. He slowly got up and let his eyes move to her monitors. Meredith had a pulse and was breathing on her own.

An unexpected calmness rushed over Derek's body and he found strength that he didn't think was left. He turned to Dr. Hemming and a few interns lingering in the doorway. His voice was low and steady. "I need a CT and MRI stat. I think it's a blood clot and we need to catch it now before it's too late. We won't be able to bring her back again." Everyone stood still, surprised at Derek's cool composure. "Now!" He barked rocking everyone back in the room causing them to jump into action, obediently following his orders.

Derek stood quietly, internally trying to get a grip on everything that had happened, and everything that he knew he needed to do. Not once in his time of being a surgeon had he ever questioned his abilities. Not once had he ever entered on operating room, scared to death of the outcome. Not until today. Derek Shepherd shook inside with the realization that Meredith's life was now literally in his hands.

"You can do this." Derek turned to see Cristina watching him carefully. Her voice didn't carry the harsh, sarcastic note he was so commonly used to.

"You think so?" He didn't know why he needed to hear her say it. Maybe it was because she cared just as much for the woman lying before them as he.

"We can do it." Cristina nodded to him and quickly left the room before any one could see that her resolve had been challenged and her hard shell cracked.

* * *

"You did an amazing job in there Derek. Both you _and_ Yang. I'm proud to call you my students." Richard Webber interrupted Derek's thoughts. He had just finished the most terrifying surgery of his life and was now scrubbing out trying not to think about all the _what if's_.

He nodded to Webber not trusting himself to speak.

"You did the best you could. I know you love her son. I love her too. She was the closest thing I ever had to a daughter. The next 24 hours are going to be hard. For all of us Derek."

Derek nodded again, trying desperately to swallow the lump in his throat. He knew the surgery had gone as smoothly as they could expect. They had found the clot and were able to stop the bleeding. He hadn't even had to shave her head. They were able to enter through a small incision near her right temple and he couldn't help but smile, picturing how grateful Meredith would be at that small fact when she woke up. _If she woke up_.

His smile quickly disappeared when cold realization spread through him once more. Cristina and him had done all they could. The rest was up to Meredith. They would know exactly how successful the surgery had been in the next 24 hours. _If she woke up._ And if she did, then they would know how much permanent damage had been done. The blood clot had been in a scary area of her brain. Adding with it her previous amnesia, there was a strong possibility that her memory loss would be permanent. Derek shook his head. He didn't care. He didn't care if Meredith didn't remember him or their past. As long as he had her. He just wanted her to wake up.

* * *

Derek rubbed his sleepy eyes. It had been a long night. Meredith's surgery had gone on into the wee hours of the morning and so he had reluctantly left her in the care of the other the doctors and nurses while he tried to get some sleep. It was no use though. He couldn't keep his mind off of Meredith and the fact she still hadn't woke up. He was closing his office door behind him when he ran into a familiar red head.

"Ah, good morning Derek. You're up early." Addison stated, looking over a chart in one hand and nibbling on a protein bar in her other.

"Couldn't sleep." Derek mumbled back, running a hand through his hair in an attempt to tame the disheveled mess.

Addison nodded knowingly, keeping a smile on her face, but Derek could see the concern and sympathy in her eyes. "Well, I was just upstairs with a certain dark haired princess who _might_ of mentioned, more than a few times, that you owed her a story." Addison's smile was genuine now, clearly showing how much she had already taken to his daughter.

Derek smiled back now and nodded. He never made it back to her room last night with the sudden turn of events. "I better go say hi before I check on Meredith. Thanks Addison."

Addison shrugged as if it were nothing and continued down the hall. Derek changed his direction to the pediatric floor deciding that a little pick me up from Hanna was just what his sad spirits needed.

He found Hanna excitedly bouncing on her bed in new frilly pajamas. He let himself laugh as she circled once on the bed showing off her new present.

"Look Daddy! Aunt Addie gave them to me! She said I could keep them _forever_!" She bounced some more letting the curls dance around her face. He realized that her excitement went way passed the usual 4 year old joy of new pajamas and had more to do with the fact she had never owned anything new or as nice in her entire life.

He quickly swallowed his emotions and crossed the room to his excited little girl. "Hanna, you look so beautiful!" Derek told her honestly.

"Like Mama?!" She stopped bouncing and waited for his answer with large expectant eyes.

"Just like Mama." Derek found his emotions rising again and had to look away.

"Can we go see her now daddy?" Hanna climbed into her daddy's lap and put both hands on his face.

He smiled sadly at his little girl. He was about to open his mouth to explain that now wasn't the best time, but stopped when an idea crossed his mind. Maybe it wouldn't be such a bad idea. Sometimes coma patients benefited from hearing a loved ones voice. It helped them focus on waking up.

"You know what Hanna? I think that's a real good idea. Let's go see Mama!" Derek stood, bringing Hanna up as he did. He kissed her cheek and gently put her down next to him and grabbed her small hand in his large one. "You stay right by me okay, Hanna? Don't let go of my hand." Hanna nodded her agreement and he led his daughter to her Mama's room.

Derek had explained to Hanna on their way down that her mom was sick and wouldn't be awake when they saw her. But he encouraged her to talk to her mommy and tell her about her new pajamas and everything else she had wanted to say.

They found Meredith's room in the ICU and entered quietly. A nurse was finishing taking vitals, and hurried out when she saw Derek enter with his daughter. Still holding hands, they crossed the small room together. Derek could tell that Hanna was a little nervous seeing Meredith lying so still on the bed, so he picked her up and reassured her.

"It's okay Hanna. Mommy can hear you. She just can't talk right now because she's sleeping." Derek placed Hanna gently on the bed next to Meredith.

Hanna glanced back at her daddy unsure and he smiled back letting her know it was okay. "I got new jammies Mama. Daddy said I look pretty… just like you." Hanna's attention was drawn to the large gauze bandage on the side of her mom's head. "Mommy has an owie daddy." Hanna turned back to see if her Daddy saw and all he could do was nod. His eyes threatening to spill. Hanna returned her attention to her mom and continued speaking. "Wake up Mama. Daddy said he'll take us fishing when we get all better. And Izzie said she was going to bring me my own lip gloss if it was okay with you. Mama? Is it okay? You need to open your eyes and tell me mama. I've always wanted pink lip gloss." Hanna frowned, frustrated, and looked back again at Derek.

He stepped forward and put his arms out for Hanna to come to him. She obeyed and Derek held her for a moment before putting her down. "Why don't you go draw a picture for your Mama so you can give it to her when she wakes up?" Hanna eagerly nodded and Derek reached in his pocket and took out his prescription pad and a pen and settled Hanna with them at a small table to the side of the room. She immediately got to work taking the task seriously.

Derek turned from his daughter and back to the woman who had given him the most amazing gift, Hanna. He slowly walked over to Meredith's side and sat softly next to her on the bed. He kept his back to Hanna so the innocent child couldn't see the scared tears that fell from his eyes or hear his broken words. He grabbed Meredith's small fragile hand in his and held on for dear life. He stared at her pale, expressionless face and was astonished once again with how much love he held for this woman.

"You need to know how sorry I am, Meredith. I am so sorry." Derek's voice cracked but he didn't stop. "Please know that I'm sorry… and know that I'm grateful. I'm so grateful that you were able to stay so strong. You were alone and scared… and didn't know who you were, but you were still strong. You brought Hanna into this world all by yourself and that must have been terrifying. But you were still strong and you did an amazing job of raising our daughter alone. Thank you for her Meredith." He was openly crying now. "Hanna is amazing, just like her mother. She can't loose you Mer. She needs her mommy. I can't do this alone. I've only been a father for a week. We can't do this alone." Derek's body shook as the despair and fear took over once again. He buried his face in Meredith's neck, remembering how her soft skin felt against his. His tears soaked her gown but he didn't care. "_I_ need you Meredith. I've never needed anyone so much in my entire life. I know I'm a little late… but Mer… I love you. I've loved you… _forever_. I should have said it before. Before you left, even before Addison came. I've loved you this whole time and it's taken …_this…_ for me to say it. Please forgive me Meredith! I love you! And if you wake up, if you come back to us, I'll spend every day of the rest of my life proving it to you. Just give me another chance." Derek lifted his head from her body and slowly leaned in closer to her face. He pressed his lips on her still ones and kept them there for a moment before pulling back. He put every last bit of his broken heart into his words and whispered, "I love you Meredith Grey."

Derek wiped his eyes, collecting himself, before he slowly stood. He watched her for a moment. His heart pounded anxiously. He half expected her eyes to flicker open and throw herself into his arms like in the movies. But Meredith's body didn't move, her face stayed still and her eyes didn't open. He reluctantly let go of Meredith's small hand he still held and turned back to his daughter. "You ready princess?"

"Sure daddy." She smiled up at him and they collected the papers and pen and Hanna stood to go. Derek grabbed Hanna's hand and protectively held on to it as they headed back to the elevator.

"It's okay daddy. Mama will wake up soon." Derek smiled down at the optimistic child, praying that she was right.


	22. Chapter 22

**A/N: I apologize for leaving you guys hanging at that part. I hope this was worth your wait. PLEASE leave a review and let me know what you guys think about this. This was by far the most difficult chapter to write yet. And so I really need to know what you think. I know a lot of people say this, but it's worth repeating: I'm a slave to your opinions. **

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Meredith felt herself floating. It was the most peaceful feeling she ever felt. The blackness that surrounded her wasn't one of dread. It was a safe place where she no longer hurt. She wasn't stuck in her own confusion and pain. She didn't know how long she had been there. Maybe days, maybe only minutes. But she was content. Meredith wanted to stay there forever, in the seductive, heavenly state of quiet serenity. 

Suddenly from somewhere in the calm darkness she heard a sad sound. A voice calling her name. It was a desperate voice full of panic and fear. He was pleading with her. Begging for her forgiveness. His pain and torment engulfed her. It was the same despairing ache she had felt for so long. His sorrow spread through her soul like dark haunted fingers and crept into her heart, sending chills up and down her body.

And then she heard it. The three words she didn't think she even believed in. Those three words she had waited her whole life to hear. And she knew what she had to do. Meredith grabbed on to the little strength that those words had given her and pushed hard against the unknown dark that surrounded her. She pushed through the blackness that held her back. She fought the thick dark sleep that stood between her and Derek. Her quiet peace was replaced with mocking shadows screaming at her to stay. Her head began to pound again and she knew she was close. Her heart thumped out of control in her chest and she was frightened beyond belief. Yet she pressed on. Into the uncertainty that waited for her when she would wake.

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Derek kissed the tip of his sleeping daughter's nose and tucked the crisp white blankets gently around her small body. They had shared a quick a lunch before Hanna had asked him to read to her. She didn't even make it through the first story before her eyelids shut and her body rested sleepily next to his. He had moved Hanna carefully to her bed, taking every precaution to not wake her. He wanted to go back and check on Meredith, knowing that with each passing hour, the odds of her waking grew slimmer and slimmer. 

He quietly made his way out of the room and headed towards the ICU. Derek tried to be optimistic. He did his best to remain positive around Hanna, but the doctor part of him kept speaking louder in his head. Meredith had suffered numerous head injuries and had just gone through major brain surgery. It didn't matter that the patient just so happened to be the love of his life and the mother of his child. The fact was, most patients just didn't recover. They never woke up.

As Derek turned the corner to Meredith's room, a devastating sense of déjà vu overcame him. The scene was eerily similar to the day before when he had received his 911 page. The hall was full of doctors and nurses. Addison was crying again, Izzie clung to Alex. All of their closest friends were present.

Derek stopped and leaned against the wall. A feeling of intense grief spreading through his chest causing familiar tears to sting his eyes. He took a deep breath and fought to gain his composure. He could be strong. He had to be strong. For Hanna. He silently made a vow that he would try to be the best father he could be. Together, Hanna and he would make it. He would make Meredith proud and raise her alone. He could scarcely even imagine living in a world without his Meredith, but would do this for her. He had to. Hanna would become his world.

Derek took another breath and blinked back the tears that threatened. He stoically began slow careful steps down the hall towards the crowd. He braced himself for the inevitable news. He clenched and unclenched his fists that hung on both sides of his body. He would not break down in front of everybody. He would wait until later, when he was all alone.

As he grew closer to the collected group something caught his attention and caused him to stop in his tracks. There were definitely tears, and rushed whispers; but something was completely different from the day before. Instead of the tears falling from bleak, fearful eyes, they fell from joyous, grateful ones. Smiles replaced the grief and the whispers were laced with astonishment instead of dread.

Derek began moving forward again. He moved cautiously and felt his heart pick up speed. He didn't dare hope. He didn't dare dream. Things began to blur around him and he felt like, once again, he was moving in slow motion.

Mark was the first to notice Derek, but soon an anticipated hush fell over the group and all eyes were on him. Derek found his throat was dry and he opened his mouth but no words came out.

His eyes frantically searched the faces of his friends. _What was going on? What was happening?_ But still, he could form no words.

Finally someone spoke. He didn't recognize the voice. Everything seemed far away and distant. It took him a minute to process what was being said. "She's awake."

The hair on the back of his neck stood up and he found it nearly impossible to breathe. _She was awake?_ _Could it be true?_ A million questions flooded his thoughts and he didn't dare ask. _Was she okay? Did she remembe_r

Derek turned his eyes that were full of questions to the man that used to be like a brother to him. Mark would tell him the truth. He would understand all the emotions that were rushing through his trembling body.

Mark nodded at Derek with understanding eyes. "She's asking for you."

The watching doctors and nurses quickly stepped out of the way and Derek made his way through the group. Meredith's door to her room was open and he saw Preston and Richard standing at the foot of the bed wide smiles fused on both of their faces. They both turned when they saw Derek approach and turned knowingly to Meredith.

"We'll step outside now. Give you two a moment." Burke winked at Meredith and she smiled in response.

Derek's shining eyes met with Meredith's unreadable ones and his breath caught in his chest. Her face was full of color, her cheeks even a little rosy. She sat up in her bed and her soft hair spilled over her shoulders. Just staring at her, Derek felt a little intoxicated by her pure beauty.

The loud click of the shutting door pulled Derek out of his trance and, now alone, he took a few steps closer to Meredith, who still hadn't said a word. He watched her as her hands began to nervously fidget with her hospital ID bracelet. Derek opened his mouth to speak but was abruptly cut off by one of Meredith's looks. A look he hadn't seen in nearly 5 years. The look that said it was her turn to speak and his turn to keep his mouth shut. Derek couldn't help but smile and crossed his arms across his chest, waiting for whatever it was she needed to say.

Meredith took a deep breath and began. "I never believed in loved. I mean… growing up… I watched my mom, and she was all about the surgeries, all about her career. _She_ never needed a man, _she_ didn't need love." Meredith looked away from Derek and her eyes wandered around the room as she continued. "I remember once when I was like 5 or 6, I asked why she had never told me she loved me. She answered that love was a myth. Something only the weak needed." Meredith eyes became watery and she shook her head. "I never had a long term relationship. I always kicked the boys out in the morning. I didn't want to be weak… I wanted to be strong." Meredith looked up from the spot on the blanket she was picking at with her fingers. "And then I met you."

Derek could hear the pain in her voice and it killed him. "Mer…"

She quickly shook her head, letting him know it wasn't his turn yet. "I fought it for as long as I could. And now looking back… I realize that I'd fallen long before I even admitted it to myself. It was the scariest, most vulnerable feeling I'd ever felt in my life. And for the first time, I fully understood what it was that my mom had been trying to teach me. Because when I told you how I felt… told you that I loved you… You walked away."

The tears were streaming down Meredith's cheek now as the painful memories came rushing back. Her delicate chin trembled a little and Derek fought his urge to cross the room and gather her in his arms. Knowing it was not the time. He opened his mouth to speak again but couldn't think of anything logical to say so he closed it quickly. He knew this was hard for her but something she needed to get out. So he waited for her to go on.

"I tried so hard to move on. To forget the foolish feelings I'd let myself feel for you. But it was too difficult. Everywhere I turned there you were. I couldn't _not_ think about you. And then that night…the way you were looking at me… I couldn't breathe. The realization that I _still_ loved you was suffocating. And I gave in. Thinking that one more time with you might help me forget the pain. Might be the closure that I so desperately sought."

"I remember you asked me, "What does this mean?" And I didn't know. I wanted _you_ to tell me. _Needed_ you to tell me."

Meredith got a far away look in her eyes. Like it was all coming back to her. "I got so scared. I panicked. I avoided you for weeks. I knew I was still hopelessly in love with you and there was no more pretending. I couldn't bare the thought that, once again, you were choosing your wife over me. I barely survived the first time and knew I wouldn't survive the second. So I made up my mind that I was going to leave. Move far away. Start over fresh. It was the cowardly way out, but it was the easiest."

Meredith shook her head and let out a soft, sad chuckle. "I even started a good bye letter of sorts. But I couldn't ever finish it. No matter how hard I tried, something just didn't feel right. And then it hit me. A weird kind of realization swept over and I _knew_. I just _knew_. I remember it was a Tuesday morning. I found an old pregnancy test in Izzie's bottom drawer and I took it without her even knowing. And sure enough… two blue lines… I was pregnant."

Meredith started crying again and Derek could hardly stand it. "Mer…" He tried again, his voice full of a little sympathy, a little understanding, but mostly regret.

Meredith quickly went on cutting him off. "It never even crossed my mind to _not_ keep it. As pathetic and desperate as it seemed…I felt it was all I had left of you. A baby would be something that forever held pieces of both you and me. But with that choice brought incredible confliction. Could I really leave… walk away without telling you I was carrying your child? I admit, part of me wanted nothing more than to hurt you, like you had hurt me."

Derek's eyes could no longer hold the tears he had been desperately struggling with and they freely fell down both cheeks. He stayed frozen in place. His hands had now each found a pocket on his lab coat, and he stared at the pattern of tile on the ground, too ashamed to meet her eyes.

Meredith's voice was quiet as she continued, "But I couldn't…something inside wouldn't let me. So I put away my farewell note for good, and searched for the courage to find you and tell you the truth. I didn't know if I was doing the right thing. I didn't know if I'd be hurt again… but I knew there was no turning back. One of the last things I remember was pacing the deck of that ferry boat… trying to grasp the magnitude of everything I had to say to you and praying that you wouldn't turn your back on this baby, like my own father had done to me. I wanted this baby to have a different life than my own. I wanted it to know and embrace love. Not have love be something foreign and something feared.

I did my best with Hanna. It was so hard. Being alone and not knowing who I was. But I loved her with all my heart. I know that I never wanted her to have to wonder if she had anyone in this world that loved her, like _I_ wondered each night.

As my memories slowly came back. So did the dreadful realization that I _was_ all alone. That there was no one that cared. I almost let myself stay there, floating in the dark, where I couldn't feel pain, where nothing could hurt me anymore. It was easier to just give up, then admit that no one had ever loved me. I was determined to stay in the blissful, ignorant state, to just quit fighting.

But then I heard it. Those three small words I had built up walls and barriers against. Three wonderful words coming from the man I had longed to hear them from for as long as I could remember. And then I knew. I didn't want to stay hidden in the darkness. I wanted to be with my daughter …and the man that loved me. I realized that all the pain and heart ache and sorrow that I'd been through…it was all worth it. All the hurt in the world would be worth hearing _you_ say those words again. And so I fought. I fought the heavy sleep that held me back…. I grabbed on to your voice and your strength… and fought… until finally, you pulled me **out of the darkness**."

Derek's eyes had found their way up off the floor and back into Meredith's shining green ones. His love for this woman was over whelming, and he crossed the room in three large strides. His will power disappeared and he couldn't fight the urge to touch her any longer. Not caring that he still wore his shoes, he climbed next to her on her bed and wrapped both of his strong arms around her. She buried her face in his neck and inhaled the scent that made everything okay. He held on to her small body protectively, knowing he was never going to let go of her again. He rested his stubble covered cheek against her silky hair, and together they cried. All their torment and anguish and fear melted away as feelings of love and affection replaced them.

Derek felt Meredith slowly pull away and he looked down into the stunning face his eyes had longed for for so long. "Say it again Derek. Tell me the words that are said so often in this world, but never in mine."

Derek's voice cracked and tears continued to fall as he spoke with all the passion and love that flowed through his body, "I love you, Meredith Grey!"

With that their lips finally met. Derek's masculine ones covering Meredith's soft, feminine ones. He was soft at first, gentle. He let himself remember how breathtaking it was to kiss her. How delicious her smooth skin felt against his. He did his best to move slowly. To be patient. It had been a long time for both of them and he knew Meredith would need to take things at her own pace. But the man inside him wanted her bad. He slightly opened his mouth and teased her with his tongue. He was surprised when she opened her mouth in response and he carefully let his tongue began to explore her mouth. He moved slow and soft at first until he heard a small moan escape her lips causing him to deepen the kiss. He pulled her body closer to him, enjoying the feel of her womanly curves against his hard chest. Her hands found his hair and she grabbed two fistfuls causing Derek to moan a little himself. He let his hands wander until he found the slit of the hospital gown and slowly let his hands caress the soft velvet skin of her smooth back. His skillful fingers inched their way down, slowly. His insides lurched as they met their target and he softly traced the lace of her panties with his finger tips.

Derek couldn't believe how good it felt to have Meredith in his arms arching her body against his. He almost forgot the fact that they were in a hospital and that Meredith had just woken from a coma. He almost forgot that is, until a familiar sarcastic voice startled them, causing them to jump apart.

"Oh come on! She's been awake for what, twenty minutes, and you're already trying to get in her pants!" They both turned, red faced, to see a smiling Cristina, doing her best to look disgusted.

Meredith and Derek erupted into laughter, as all their close friends came flooding in. Derek sat back in silence. He couldn't remember ever feeling this happy. Ever feeling this content to just sit back and enjoy other people's company.

He unashamedly became choked up as Meredith looked up at him, smiling with her eyes shining. He smiled back and squeezed the hand he had been holding on to. He rubbed the smooth skin on the back of her hand with his thumb and couldn't help but think he was never going to let go.

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**Wow, I know that was long. I hope not too long. I really struggled with the "Meredith speach". I can't really see her saying _all _of that in "real life" but _all _of that needed to be said. So I'm sorry if I strayed from character. ( Please tell me if I was way off! )**


	23. Chapter 23

**A/N: It was not my intention to leave you hanging all weekend. It was just so busy and I haven't had a chance to sit down for days. But I snuck away from 3-D world to do this. I'm sorry it's kinda quick but just so all of you know, this is NOT the end. There's still more to come. And as soon as I get the chance I will get the next chapter up. Thanks again to all the reviews and thank you to all the "faithfull followers". You make life great. Also, I promise some great long Mer/Der coming very soonish since ABC can't even give us that! Read and Review!**

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Miranda Bailey was tired and cranky. Not that she was usually overflowing with happiness, but today she was extra grouchy. Her flight from Sacramento had arrived late last night after being delayed three hours due to heavy fog. She had hoped to have a quiet, slow morning and get caught up with her husband and son, whom she hadn't seen in weeks. Her pager had started going off in the middle of their calm breakfast and she had barely had time to kiss her son off to school before having to head in to the hospital.

She was waiting, tapping her foot impatiently, when an old familiar face approached, joining the growing line for the elevator. "Alice?"

"Oh, Miranda?! I didn't expect you back from your conference for a few more days! It's so good to see you." Alice smiled, pleasantly surprised to run in to her old acquaintance.

"We wrapped things up early, a few of the doctor's had pressing matters to return home to." The elevator finally arrived and the doors opened with a chime. The two friends stepped on and stood together to the back to continue their conversation. "So how did things work out with the mystery girl? Were you able to get a consult with Dr. Shepherd?"

Alice shook her head and eagerly replied, wanting to share the incredible twist the story had taken. "No I wasn't but…"

Dr. Bailey quickly interrupted her, "I was afraid of that. That dumb man." She shook her head.

"Well actually, he was on a leave of absence when I called, but…" Alice tried again.

"That foolish, arrogant doctor. He spends his time mopin' around and sits in his self pity. If he'd just snap out of it he'd see that life goes on and he doesn't have to be such an ass."

Alice was surprised by the last comment. She'd known Derek for a week now and she thought he was an amazing father and had seen how much he loved Meredith. "Oh, um… I've met him and he didn't seem…"

"Don't take it personally, Alice. That's just how he is. He comes across bitter and conceited to cover all the pain he keeps denying he's in. He's a dumb fool if you ask me. Most of the time I can't stand the man." Dr. Bailey shook her head knowingly.

Before Alice could respond, the elevator chimed again and she was at her intended floor. "This is me, Miranda. If you get a minute later come find me. I'm visiting a patient in recovery room 318B. It was nice talking to you." Alice hurried off and on her way, laughing to herself at how some things just never change.

Dr. Bailey gave a small wave and turned her thoughts back to her day ahead. When she reached the surgical floor she hurried off eager to get through the day in hopes for a romantic dinner with her husband that night.

She was almost finishing rounds with the few patients she'd been assigned to and was rushing through the hallway when a strange sound caused her to stop in her tracks. Not that the sound itself was strange, but the place it was coming from made her suspicious. She followed the light, cheerful whistling, to Dr. Shepherds office and looked in through the opened door.

Dr. Bailey put one hand on her hip. "What the hell is going on?"

Derek looked up from his paper work and smiled at the short stocky woman who stood scowling in his doorway. "Ah, Miranda! You're back."

Dr. Bailey could only shake her head in disbelief. It was like a scene from the twilight zone. Smiling and happy just didn't go hand in hand with this man. He'd been dark and broken for five years now. Something was just not adding up.

"What are you doing?" She asked suspiciously.

"What?" Derek feigned innocence. "It's called whistling. It's what people do when their _happy_. You should try it sometime. It feels much better than scowling Miranda." Derek closed the charts on his desk and got up to head for the door. He passed the flabbergasted woman on his way out and gave her a quick wink.

"You think you're so damn fine. And _don't_ call me Miranda." She stood as tall as possible and stared Derek down. "I leave and you're all… woe is me. And now I get back and you're… you're all…whatever the hell you are. What's going on?"

As bad as Derek wanted to say something witty in response he couldn't. He had to admit that he was more scared of Miranda Bailey then anyone he had ever met. For such a small woman she sure terrified him. He took a retreating step back, away from her demanding glare and searched for where he should begin.

Before either doctor could speak again, they were both interrupted by a little voice shouting down the hall. "Daddy!"

They both turned and Derek's anxious face immediately softened into a large grin. "Hey Princess!" Derek held his arms out and swooped Hanna up in a hug.

Dr. Bailey stood speechless, unable to figure out what exactly was going on.

"Hanna, why are you all alone? You didn't leave your room again without a grown up did you?" Derek asked his daughter worried, angry that the nurses had let her get out of their sight so easily.

"No Daddy! I beat 'Stina!" Derek furrowed his brows and looked back down the hall, not comprehending what his small daughter was saying.

Before he had a chance to question her further, Derek and Dr.Bailey heard Hanna's name being called, shortly followed by a frazzled Cristina hurrying around the corner.

"Hanna!" Cristina quickly caught up to the other three. She looked at Hanna and painfully used the most kind, kid-friendly voice she could muster, "Hanna, remember what Aunt Cristina said about running away from me? It isn't nice." Cristina kept a forced smile on her face.

"I beat you!" Hanna giggled and clapped her hands.

"No, we weren't racing." Cristina tried her best to remain patient.

"We were racing and I beat you 'Stina!" Hanna was smiling triumphantly.

"No_, Honey_." Cristina forced the term of endearment, "You couldn't have won, because we weren't racing."

"Yes hu!"

"No you didn't."

"Yes I did! _And_ I beat you at go fish!"

"No you didn't! You cheated. You told me you didn't have the red duck and you did. So _I_ won."

"Nu uh! I beated you." Hanna was still grinning, knowing she was driving her grown up friend crazy.

"_No_ you didn't. I…"

"Okay! Okay!" Derek interrupted and swung Hanna to his other side, distancing the two competitors. "Dr. Yang, _she's four_."

"Whatever. We weren't racing so you didn't win. Just so you know, I _never_ loose." Cristina turned to leave but was stopped by Hanna's small voice.

""Stina, can we play go fish tomorrow?"

"You betcha kid. But you better bring your nickels and dimes, because tomorrow we're playing for money!" Cristina's smile was genuine now as she hurried off down the hall.

Derek chuckled watching Cristina's retreating shape. He had almost completely forgotten about Dr. Bailey until she cleared her throat causing him to turn back towards her and meet her wide, shocked eyes.

"Dr. Bailey, this is my daughter Hanna. Hanna? Can you say hi to Dr. Bailey?" Derek immediately felt Hanna's grip on his neck tighten but she smiled and gave a quiet, shy "Hello."

"Hello Hanna." Dr. Bailey answered gently; she was full of questions but didn't even know where to begin.

"Daddy, can we go see Mama now? 'Stina said you'd take me." Hanna asked Derek shyly, very aware of the stranger staring intently at her.

Before Derek could reply he heard Dr. Bailey gasp. "Grey! You're mother's Meredith Grey. You might have your daddy's hair and eyes but I'd recognize that tiny face and petite frame anywhere." Dr. Bailey shook her head trying to piece everything together.

"Mommy was sick but she's getting all better and Daddy's going to take me to see her!" Hanna quickly overcame her bashfulness and informed her newest friend.

"Dr. Grey's in the hospital?" Dr. Bailey directed her question towards Derek. And then it hit her like a ton of bricks and before Derek could answer she hurried on, "What room is she in?'

Derek was confused at Dr. Bailey's sudden change of tone. "Um, she's in a recovery room. Room 318B."

"Oh my ever lovin'…" Dr. Bailey couldn't finish her sentence. It all made sense. Sad, gut wrenching sense. She just looked back at Dr. Shepherd and remarked at how all his hate, grief and regret, his pure fear of life; had been replaced with love, hope and an eager anticipation for what life might hold for him in the future.

Silently, an unspoken truce being called, they both turned and went on their way. Dr. Bailey moved towards the patients she needed to tend to; and Derek and Hanna headed towards the elevator, eager to see the woman they both loved so much in Room 318B.


	24. Chapter 24

**A:N/ I'm sorry I have been completely awful at the updates lately. But I had a problem. You see when I started this, I knew exactly what I wanted to happen and how I wanted it to end, and when I got there, I wasn't satisfied and I'm having so much fun that I don't want to stop. So I've been thinking like crazy as to where this story is headed. And I've decided that I am going to keep going, _but_ it's going to be in a sequal. After all she's already "out of the darkness" right? And so this is the last chapter for this story BUT don't worry, again, there is a sequal. I already started it and as soon as I get a title and am more sure of the direction it's going to take, I'll post it. So expect it sometime next week. I'll post the new title in Chapter 25 so no one will be left hanging. I love you all!**

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"I'll bet you're real excited to get out of here." George asked Meredith as he handed her yet another discharge paper to sign.

Meredith scribbled her signature for what felt like the hundredth time that morning. "Definitely." She waited for George to put the next form down and repeated the process, before continuing. "You know, you and Callie didn't have to move out. We could have figured something out."

George quickly shook his head. "It was time. I mean… we're having a baby. It's time for us to settle and lay down some roots of our own."

Meredith nodded but still couldn't help feeling a little guilty. "I just feel bad, like I'm kicking you out. I know how close you guys have become with Alex and Izzie, and it's just…."

"Meredith stop. It's not like we're moving across town or anything. We'll be right next door. I don't want to miss one more minute of your's or Hanna's life. This way she can come and see Uncle George whenever she feels like it. Now quit stalling and finish your paperwork so we can get you two out of here."

Meredith shut her mouth and diligently obeyed. She remarked to herself at how much George had matured and grown in the last five years. He was an amazing doctor and she noticed what a loving husband he was to Callie. His boyish awkwardness was gone for the most part, only sneaking out to reveal itself when they would talk about the past and reminisce on the good times.

She also thought quietly that she was glad Mrs. Johnson next door had agreed to sub-lease her house out while she moved across country to be with her sick daughter in Florida. Things were working out perfectly. Hanna was being discharged at the same time and they'd get to go home together. She had talked to Dr. Burke about resuming her internship at Seattle Grace and he had more then happily obliged. They had agreed she could start in three weeks if she passed her physical and mental exams. Her friends at the hospital had pulled some strings and gotten Hanna in at the employee childcare on the fifth floor. Things seemed to be falling into place.

Her mind turned to Derek and immediately the butterflies began stirring in her stomach. Just as they had done for the last two weeks since she'd woke from her coma with her memory back. She hadn't been alone with Derek since that day and their breath taking, toe curling, incredibly amazing kiss that had left her satisfied and yet hungry for more. Her room was always swarming with people. Her friends constantly popping in to make sure she was all right. The one night she and Derek had finally found themselves alone, they had been interrupted by a 911 page and Derek had to hurry off to surgery. Meredith knew she was extremely lucky to have this second chance. She and Derek were starting over and she couldn't help but feel like a teenager with a crush. Sometimes it felt so unreal to have such an amazing man doting over her and Hanna making sure everyone was taking care of them and that they were receiving the VIP treatment.

Meredith tried to ignore the small feeling in the pit of her stomach that it couldn't be this simple. Nothing had ever been easy for Meredith her whole life, especially where Derek was concerned. She couldn't help but feel a little nervous about what her future held. She didn't just have herself to worry about anymore. Now she had Hanna to worry about and protect. But like she did every time the nagging feeling started to rise, she pushed it back down and put a smile on her face.

"Crap George! How many more things are there for me to sign? Am I going to have to repeat all this when I get Hanna's discharge papers?"

George chuckled and laid down the last form. "This is it, your last one. And _no_, you won't have to do this for Hanna because, umm, Dr. Shepherd is down there right now taking care of it. Anyways, she doesn't have nearly as many, _she_ didn't have brain surgery."

Meredith could only nod. In the short time she had known Derek before, before the wife, before her pain, she had always thought he'd make a good father. She couldn't believe just how right she had been. Derek took to being a dad so naturally and comfortably it had left her speechless. She saw how quickly he and Hanna had bonded. Everyone could see how much they loved each other. Daddy and Daughter had filled missing pieces in each other they both never knew were there.

Tiny footsteps racing into her room snapped Meredith out of her thoughts. "Guess what Mama?! Daddy's taking us home _today_!" Hanna rushed across the room and jumped up on the bed, throwing her arms around Meredith and planting a wet kiss on her mother's cheek.

Meredith laughed out loud at her youthful enthusiasm and turned just in time to watch Derek hurry in. "Hanna, you have to stop running off like that." He crossed the room in two large steps and snatched Hanna away from Meredith and threw her in the air, growling like a bear. Hanna let out a loud shriek and collapsed in giggles as he sat her down on the floor and started tickling her. Meredith rolled her eyes. So much for discipline, Hanna already had her daddy wrapped around her little finger.

"That's a pretty dress. Where'd you get it Hanna?" Meredith asked concerned. She felt so guilty already, her friends were spoiling Hanna with stickers and dolls and books. She didn't want to be a charity case any more. She felt she needed to prove to everyone that she was a capable mother and could take care of Hanna on her own.

"Daddy got it for me! I love love love _love_ it mama. I never had such a pretty dress before. Never." Hanna had escaped her daddy's tickling and looked up at her mom with large blue eyes full of expression.

Meredith made eye contact with Derek for the first time since he had entered the room. "You didn't have to do that." She quickly looked away from his intense stare.

"Sure I did." He smiled and tilted his head to one side, trying to read Meredith's expression. "Hanna looked at me with those pleading eyes and told me she's always wanted a purple dress with daisies on it. She even did the little lip thing. What choice did I have?" He continued to watch Meredith and went on carefully. "Besides," he said softly, "She's my daughter."

Meredith nodded quickly and turned her full attention to Hanna. Derek watched as she busied herself with one of Hanna's ribbons. He couldn't dismiss the look of fear that had flashed across Meredith's face, a look he had noticed on more than one occasion in the last few weeks. He sighed inwardly. Derek knew he still had a lot of work to do before he completely received Meredith's trust. He understood that even though it had helped, saying _I love you_ wasn't going to make their past disappear and fix it all.

"Hello hello little happy family!" Izzie walked in greeting the group in her usual cheerful voice. "Here ya go Meredith." She tossed a large brown paper bag at her and Meredith slowly opened it curious to its contents.

"What's this Iz?" Meredith furrowed her brows then let a smile stretch across her face as she pulled out a worn pair of jeans and her beloved holey Dartmouth shirt.

Izzie beamed. "You asked me to bring you a change of clothes and I thought what better to make you feel more at home. I found them in an old box and washed them for you."

Meredith held the soft material up to her nose and inhaled the fresh flowery scent. "Thanks Iz." She couldn't help but laugh.

"Okay, Mer…" George spoke up. "You are now officially _discharged_. I know you're feeling great, better than ever, but please remember to take easy. We can't wait to have _Dr. Grey_ back here at work with us." George smiled at Meredith and then remembering Dr. Shepherd was watching, and he being the head neurologist on her case, George knew he didn't need to finish with the rest of the normal patient warnings. He slammed her chart shut and gathered the signed papers. "You guys have a good day. _We'll_ see you later." He grabbed Izzie's arm and pulled her out of the room with him.

An awkward silence filled the room. Both Meredith and Derek watched as Hanna twirled in the middle of the floor, admiring how her new dress whirled out at the bottom.

Derek clapped his hands together and was the first to speak. "Okay, well… how about… you get dressed Mer… and Hanna and I will gather up all of the beautiful artwork off the walls and find a cart to take all this other stuff to the car." Derek gestured around the room to the numerous bouquets of flowers and plants that various people had sent.

Hanna and Derek immediately got to work. Meredith watched only for a moment before grabbing the brown sack that held her clothes and hopping off the hospital bed, hurrying into the bathroom to change.

By the time Meredith emerged, fully dressed and looking more beautiful than Derek could ever remember, they had gathered all the gifts on a large cart and a nurse was waiting with a wheelchair to escort them down to the lobby.

Derek immediately noticed Meredith's apprehension. "Can we have a moment?" Derek turned and asked the nurse quietly. The nurse immediately nodded and stepped outside the room giving them their privacy.

Meredith was lost in her own thoughts and didn't look up until she noticed Derek standing right in front of her. Close enough that she could smell his intoxicating scent. She kept her eyes glued on Hanna who stood by the gift cart smelling one of the white lilies.

"Mer." Derek said her name so tenderly it caused chills to run up and down her body. She folded her arms across her chest trying to remain guarded. Derek softly put his hand on her cheek and forced her to look up at him. "What's wrong?"

It took every ounce of Meredith's self control to keep her tears in check. "I'm fine Derek." He kept his stare locked on her eyes and she knew he wasn't buying it. She also knew, unfortunately, that he was the one person on earth who could look into her eyes and see into her soul. It was useless trying to lie to Derek.

"Come on Meredith. I know something's wrong. Please just tell me." Derek eyes held a gentle compassion that Meredith had never seen from anyone in her life.

"I'm scared." The tears won the small battle and slowly escaped down her cheeks.

Derek pulled her close to him and wrapped her in a protective embrace. He rested his chin carefully on the top of her head and rubbed her back. He let out a quiet breath of relief as he felt her soften in his arms and return his hug, wrapping her small arms around his waist.

"You don't have to be scared anymore Mer. I'm here and I'm never leaving."

Meredith struggled to find her voice. "How can you be so sure? How can you know Derek? It's never this easy. Something bad's going to happen, I just know it!"

"Meredith. Calm down." He pulled away a little and tilted her face up so she could look into his eyes. "This is where the _happily ever after_ comes in. You have to have a little faith. I know that I messed up in the past, and I know that I don't deserve this chance. But Mer… _please_… I love you and I love Hanna. And that's okay that you don't trust me yet. That's okay you haven't forgiven me completely. I plan to spend the rest of my life, every last day, proving to you how sorry I am … proving my love. Just give me a chance Mer. That's all I'm asking." Derek searched her eyes, begging with his own.

"It's not just me now Derek. Hanna's involved now too and she's so little, and innocent. I will not see her hurt. It's not fair to her. It might be fun right now, here, being her hero at the hospital; but when we get home, reality's going to set in. Waking up in the middle of the night because she's had a bad dream. Cleaning up throw up out of the carpet when she gets sick. Going days on end with no sleep because she has a fever and you don't know what's wrong with her. _That's_ reality Derek. That's when it gets tough. And how do I know that when it does get tough, you're not going to decide this isn't what you want? That you're not going to leave? I don't think Hanna will be able to take it. I know _I_ won't be able to take it." Meredith's voice was barely audible by the time she finished speaking.

Derek's eyes were swimming with emotion. He cleared his throat and steadied his voice before he began. "Meredith, I am _not_ leaving. I know you are scared and this is unchartered territory for you. But I promise you. Through the good and the bad… I'm going to be here. I'm not going anywhere. I'm done. You're it for me." Derek's voice cracked a little and he took a moment to gain control over his emotions before continuing. "Meredith, I'm begging you. Pick me… Choose me…. _Love_ me."

Meredith looked up at this amazing man saying these amazing things to her. She knew they still had issues to work on, but there was no denying how much she loved him. And there was no denying how much Hanna loved him. Slowly a smile spread across her face and Derek couldn't help but mirror it on his own. He lowered his face until his mouth was only inches from hers. "I love you Meredith Grey."

She closed the distance a little more until their warm breath mixed together. "And I love you Derek Shepherd."

He couldn't stand it any longer and he grabbed her small face in his two large hands and forcefully met her soft lips with his. Derek felt his heart skip as she moved her hands up his chest, exploring the outline of his muscles with her fingers. He forced her mouth open and hungrily searched her mouth with his tongue. He didn't know how he had lived so long without her; without her taste in his mouth. This was what life was about. Kissing the woman you loved. He knew she would want to take things slow, but he couldn't help but let his mind wander to later, later when she would completely let him back into her life and they would consummate things.

"That was quite the speech Doctor. Very original." She giggled into his mouth and he laughed back, deepening the kiss and pulling her body even closer to his.

"Daddy! Stop eating my mommy!" Derek and Meredith jumped apart and broke out in laughter when they saw Hanna standing right next to them, with big wide eyes.

"I'm sorry Hanna. I wasn't eating her. I promise Princess." Derek bent down and picked up his daughter bringing her up next to him and Meredith. "Are you ready to go?" Derek looked at Meredith when he asked his next question. "Ready to live happily ever after?"

Meredith's eyes were shining and she answered truthfully. "Yes I am. Let's go."

Derek opened the door for her and found the nurse still waiting outside patiently. He helped Meredith carefully into the wheel chair and sat Hanna softly on her lap. He motioned for the nurse to grab the cart with the gifts and he got in his place behind the girls and started pushing the chair, heading for the elevator.

Derek's heart soared and he felt like a little boy on Christmas morning, but this was so much better. He didn't know what, but he thought to himself that he must have done something right to deserve this second chance. This amazing incredible chance to live a life with the two most beautiful women in the world. The two women he loved more than life itself. He wasn't going to mess up this time. This was it. This was the beginning of the rest of his life.


	25. Chapter 25

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**The sequel has been added! Look for "Keep Holding On" and thank you to all of the devoted reviewers who encouraged me to keep going with this story!**

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